My Next 30 years

So I'm turning 30 soon. Facebook won't tell you this but July 10, 1982 I graced the world with my presence. So just a a quick recap of the last 30 years.
I was born in Minot, ND. We moved to Seirra Vista, AZ, and then Phoenix, AZ where, I spent most of my life. I went through school, and after high school went into college to earn a B.A. in elementary ed. I taught kindergarten, and then taught in Korea. I meet James, and we got married. I became and army wife and have embraced every bit of it. I've made some mistakes, made some bad choices, and then proceed to run away from God. Only to later to find myself running right to Him, so He could put me back together. I now find myself in Alaska for next two years.
So my next 30 years what are my plans.
To follow my husband wherever the army sends us.
To plug myself into the communties out there and get right into ministry whatever God has opened up for me.
To always keep the idea of serving Amor in my back pocket, because if we can send me to South Africa from Alaska, anything is possible.
To make my marriage better and greater each year I get to be in.
To finish writing my messages I started (hopefully this will be done in the early part of the next 30), and then start speaking and sharing these women.
To love more an judge less
To look at others the way I want God to look at me through grace and mercy.
To contiue in my submission to my God and my husband.
To read about everything I have an interest in, and gain a better understanding of the world around me.
To take more chance and not worry about the outcome
To remember God will always pick me up and clean me up better than ever
To smell more roses
To take more pictures
To blog more
To learn to paint
To be more creative
Finally, to become a mother (now the disclaimer on this one, if you pester me about it you won't get in any answer other than in my next 30 years. When James and I are ready, we will have children.)

In the Dark

The stories you hear about Alaska and it being dark in the winter is true. In Fairbanks, it never got completely dark. The sunrise before noon and set around one. It does get dark and it gets hard. Darkness can be overwhelming. It seems to consume everything. The darkness seems to eat everything. It leaves you feeling kinda hopeless. Darkness is very awful. It's hard to live with that much darkness. It left me feeling very depressed and many days I didn't want to do anything the dark just sucks the life out of you.  Then the light comes back very slowly. Then there's too much of it. It's starts to overwhelm. It's really weird to roll over at 3am and the sun be fully up  and then when you are going to bed after 10pm the sun isn't even thinking about going down.
What this does to a person can be awful. The dark sucks life and that much light really mess with ones head. So how do you deal? I don't have an answer. In fact, I didn't deal very well. I spent many days in my pjs wanting to do things and not having the motivation to do it. The light seems to overwhelm and I don't know how to respond. I'm totally over stimulated by it. I don't really know who to respond to this much light. Balance is a good thing. However, I need to learn how to balance is such an off balanced world. I really failed at this year, but I'm going to give it another try.

Thoughts on Lent

First off, I don't mean to offend anyone. If you chose to do Lent, that's great. These are just my thoughts.

As far I've understand lent is the 40 days before Easter, and in the time period you are to give up something. You are to make a sacrifice to help understand the sacrifice that Christ made. So here are my two thoughts on this.

There is nothing you can sacrifice other than your own life that while even give a glimpse at what Christ did for you. Going without meat, or facebook, or candy, isn't going to give any idea what Christ endured. I am thankful that I don't need to understand it, I just have to accept it. I can't even began to think of what it is like to first be beaten near death, to carry a cross up long walk, and then to be nailed to that cross, and die without God. It's not something I'm going to understand this side of heaven, and I'm not even to attempt to think that giving up something insignificant for 40 days is going to help me understand. Now if you were doing as fast to draw closer to God that's different. If that's what your doing than you don't need to be telling anyone, or complaining that you aren't doing said insignificant thing, instead of complain you should be praising God. When someone is having a nice big steak for lunch in front you instead of thinking about how much this sucks, you should think how great is that Jesus was willing to give up his place in heaven so you could have a place.

God doesn't care about sacrifice, He cares about obedience. He wants to do the things that you are called to do. He wants you to follow His ways. He wants you to love the Lord your God with all your strength, heart, mind and soul, and to love your neighbor as yourself. He wants you and all of you. As I see it, all the sacrificing was done. Yes a sacrifice was needed, but we weren't accepted to do it, why because truly in order to pay for all the wrongs you did, you would have to never eat meat, or never go on facebook. I'm not saying God doesn't care or doesn't like it when we make sacrifices, I'm just saying or obedience is more important. He prefers it. It's the relationship that matters.

If I said anything that offended anyone, I'm sorry, but that's how I see it.

The End of the year letter

We hope this year has found you well and God has blessed you richly. We had very exciting year. A lot has happened and many changes have happened, but we are still happy.

January started off with a little bit of a bang. For New Year’s Eve, we drove down to Brandon, FL to see Jason, one of Michelle’s friends from Korea. However along the way, Michelle lost control of the Mazda 3 and crashed, no other cars were involved. We were wearing our seatbelts and the airbags deployed so only a few scrapes and bumps. We really enjoyed spending time with Jason. We still had full coverage, and got a nice large check from the insurance company.

In February, James got a weekend pass and we went to Panama City, FL for Valentine’s Day. We went to the zoo and had dinner at Ruth’s Chris. We also took advantage of the President’s Day sale, and took the insurance check to the Toyota dealership and bought a four wheel drive Toyota Rav 4.

March came and we parted ways at the end of it. Michelle went out to San Diego and helped out with Amor. James had to watch the house get packed up and clean the house by himself. He did such a good job that there were no charges.

In April, James went to ALC (Advance Leadership Course) which was at Joint Base Little Creek Fort Story. Michelle left Mexico earlier than she had planned, but she went back to Phoenix, and got to help with Amor at San Carlos Indian Reservation. The houses are larger with more rooms and plumbing and electrical. She learned how to lay tile. James picked up a new lead pipe for his Bach trumpet.

May was blessing. Michele flew out to Virginia Beach for Memorial weekend. We went to the aquarium and enjoyed the time together. We also got to see Mary Beth and Ben. Michelle also got meet the Wagners. They are the couple that James spent most Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons at their house while he was there for AIT (Advance Individual Training). He went over there while he was there for ALC too.

June was a very busy month. Michelle got to attend her friend Jillian’s wedding. James was one of the best drum majors, so he got to drum major for the AIT soldiers. He also graduated with honors, second highest in his class. He then made the drive to Phoenix in 2 days. He got to meet Big Grandpa. Michelle coordinated her friend Annamarie’s wedding and James played for it. James, Martio and Michelle loaded up the car and headed for Marysville, CA. We got to spend about a week there. We helped out with VBS and got to take his parents out to dinner at Ruth’s Chris. We then started our drive to Washington so we could get on the ferry. Along the way, we stopped in Oregon to see Michelle’s friend Jenny, and the Tillamook Cheese Factory. We stayed a couple of days at James’s Aunt Lucy’s house in Tacoma, WA. We got to see the 56^th Army Band play some swing music.

We started off July by driving over to Bellingham, WA to board the ferry for Alaska. We found that Martio either had to go in her kennel or stay in the car. We decided to leave her in the car and not set up her kennel on the lower car deck. She didn’t eat or drink much. Michelle went to the car and took her out during the car deck calls. Our car was on the upper car deck, so during the day, Michelle got to take her out on the back deck of the boat. One time while Michelle was out, she got to watch Orca Whales jumping. She didn’t have her camera and James was watching a movie so there are no pictures. Martio did really great considering everything she had to put up with. Michelle was worried she would have a hard time once we learned she would have to stay in the car. Martio and Michelle walked off the boat and James drove the car off and repacked the car to continue the trip. Martio wasn’t thrilled to get back in the car, but we still had about a day of driving to do. We arrived at Fort Wainwright safe and sound. We stayed at the hotel on post until we found our house. We went to Pioneer Park for Michelle’s birthday and a dinner cruise for our anniversary. We found a house up one of the mountains about 15 miles outside of Fairbanks, it’s about 15-30 minutes from Fort Wainwright, it depends on the amount of snow and traffic. We have to have water delivered and the internet isn’t at all desirable.

August is when we seemed to really settle in. We got to know the people in the band and found our church home. The Tises arrived to live in the other half of the duplex house we are in. They have been really great neighbors.

September, Michelle started working in AWANA and the women’s bible study also started up. She started Physical Therapy for her hip for the third time; hoping that the third time’s the charm. James went to a trap shooting competition and won a rack of ribs and two Cornish game hens.

October, James went on the men’s retreat with church. We also started attending a small group. We chose the young married group who watch a sermon series on Love and Respect. It explains how women need love and men need respect. It explains how a wife can give respect to her husband and how a husband can give love to his wife. We went over to North Pole, and visited Santa’s house. We had them send letters out to Josh and Haley (our nephew and niece). The band sent James down to Anchorage and Sitika. James met Michelle’s friend Kyle. They did a biathlon together. James also got to do ALIT. It’s cold weather training. While James was in Sitika, Michelle took Martio to the vet. She had stopped eating. By the time Michelle brought her in she had gone into kidney failure caused by something she ate while she roamed the woods around the house when we were outside, cancer of the kidneys, or kidney stones. Michelle made the choice to put her down. Pauline and Dave, our neighbors, were there. Pauline drove Michelle into town to pick her up from the vet and Dave drove us over to the shelter where they put her down. It was hard at first mainly because James was gone, but we both grieved and moved on.

November started off with James going to the promotion board and passing it. Michelle received a card from the Department of Education stating that she should have her teaching certificate in about 120 days. James went to a skeet competition and won an apple pie. James went to the NCO of the Quarter board in Anchorage, which wasn’t as successful as the first board. Michelle finished Physical Therapy hoping her hip is better. We had some winds come down from the real North Pole and temperatures dropped down to -40, but they’ve gone and things seem to have warmed back to around 0 again. We’ve gone ice skating, sledding and to a hockey game. Michelle applied for finical aid from the church to help with an Amor trip and met with the mission committee.

James hasn’t had much luck with his shot gun and animals. Michelle will be applying for teaching jobs next year. The band’s Christmas concert is in town this year. James is hoping to get promoted to Staff Sergeant (E-6) next year. Michelle is hoping to go to Johannesburg, Africa for Amor’s Woman of Strength trip in July. During the break up season, we have plans of looking for a new dog. We hope that this Christmas is a blessing to you. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers.

The little black Dog

In October, James and I had to deal with a lot. The loss of Martio brought on a lot for both of us. We each had our own issues that needed to be worked through.

As an army wife, there is always that fear of deployment, even as a band wife, it's possible. Being dependent as I am, I worry that I'll be left to deal with something by myself. James goes off to Sitka. After not eating for about a week, I take Martio to the vet. I get off the phone with the vet, and my phone rings. It's Jen, she's one of the leaders of our small group. She wants to know if would like to come over for dinner. I take Martio to the vet, and leave her there so they can run tests. They call me later and basically she's gone into kidney failure. After calling James, I know, I can't drive and if I have to make that choice, I won't be able drive. I go next door and ask Pauline if she can drive me. After talking with vet, it seems to be the only choice to make. While we were talking with the vet, Dave, Pauline's husband, finished class and drove over to the vet. We load up his truck and drive over to shelter, Pauline and Dave go inside and take care of my paperwork, and we drop Martio off. Dave drives me home. I make some calls and go have dinner with Jen and her family. Wednesday is when the morning bible study meets, and last week before James left, Kathy, the leader, was going to be gone, but she said it was up to us if we wanted to still meet. We decided we would. I saw all this as God knowing how much I need help and how much people can help me. All these relationships were in place well before the middle of October. God took care of me. If He'll supple when James is on TDY and it's something small like the dog, what is going to do if something awful happens while James is deployed? I know the answer is more.

James is struggle was a little different. He sees himself as the protector. He sees himself as the one who should take care of me. This was hard from him, it's very hard to take care and protect someone when you are on an island far from them. He felt like he let me down. When he came home, he told this how he feels. He really felt like he failed. It was hard for him to bear. I tried to reassure him that God took great care him. He said that was because God is understudy. I explained to him that it's really the other way around. God is the ultimate comforter and protector. He only has the job because God trusts him with me. He is just one of the people around to do the job for Him. God allows him the responsibility of taking care of me. If God choices to use others than we have to allow him. Besides he did a great job, I probably called about 5 times on Monday, and woke him up on Tuesday and he didn't get mad at me. James has come to terms with being God's understudy.

We each had something to learn. God knows how needy and dependent I am and He is fully aware of it. I now know this. James thought he was supposed be my ultimate comforter and protector, he isn't. James now know that he has this role most of the time, but with his job, he can't always have it.

I loved my little dog because to me, she reflected God's love. Dog is God backwards. My dog loved me just like God. In her last day, she did a great thing she reflect God's love to both of us in a light.

This One has to be Different

Often there's a post on facebook about military wives. It'll talk about how they are strong, and independent. If you watched any movie about the military that shows the wife of a soldier, she's strong and independent. If you've seen Army Wives or The Unit, those wives are strong and independent. So I ask, what's wrong with me? Why am I different? If you have spent anytime with me and have gotten to know, I'm dependent as the come. There isn't anybody out there who is more dependent than I am. So did God forgot to give my independence or did He have another reason for not giving me any.

See, I have a very intense relationship with Christ. I saw intense because I'm one of those Christian that has removed Christ from the box, and I let him have every aspect, every corner. There isn't a place in my life I keep from him. He knows more than just my name and the numbers of hair on my head, he knows more than my deepest thoughts, he sees more than my coming and goings. He knows that if he gives me an once of independence, I wouldn't go to him. I wouldn't depend on him. Sure I turn to people first, but after they fail or they just aren't there, I turn to Christ. Now I can tell you he's working on getting me turn to him first before I go to people. The last two times, I've really need James, he's been on TDY. Not in the city, gone, the band off playing somewhere. My only choice to depend on Christ.

So does an army wife have to be independent? I don't think she has to be, as long as, she depends on the right one.

I AM a young army wife.

I am a young army wife. Now when I saw young I'm not talking about my age. I'm sitting on the edge of thirty. I'm not old by means 30 isn't old, but I'm not young anymore either. However my marriage is young. It's only a been a year. But it's been an adventure.

Being a army wife is different for being a normal wife. Now I'm an army band wife which is a little different. We have a different a row to hoe. We have army in the mix, but we also have band stuff in the mix too. Not every band unit is deployable. So we don't always have that dark cloud looming over us. We haven't gone through a deployment so I can't tell you what that's like. I don't envy those families. In fact my heart goes out those families, I pray for you everyday and that our troops will be able to come home and stay for awhile. As a band wife though, I do sit at home by myself. My husband goes away for days. He's also a trumpet player which often means gigs can come up with very little warning. Whenever a solider dies, duty calls for my husband. We could on Monday make plans to go out for the weekend and by Wednesday they are out the window. We pack up and move. Every few years, it's time to change the place we live. We have to cut bargains too. Like you can only go there as family if you'll spend at least three years. It can be worth and exciting. There are many other things that make of us different. We have to learn who to work through things and do things by ourselves.

On the other hand, the army wives are like the other wives out there. Some of us work, others stay home. Some have kids in the mix, and other choice not to. Some of us go to church and other are clueless about God. We all cherish the moments we have and we make mistakes.

Now the point. My husband told me that he was proud of me and thankful that I'm willing to do things for others. There's another trumpet player in the band here, his married with children, they found the same church as us. I've watched their children a couple of times. On Tuesday night, Sarah wasn't feeling well. She called and asked if could come watch their kids so they could go to the hospital. I said yes, got off the phone and cooked my dinner and head over so I was about 15 early than asked and was willing to stay past midnight if that was need. I made James proud. I feel like I did what was need. We don't have children, it's just James and I. Well, and Martio, but she's low maintenance not like a kid. We lock in the kennel and go on our way. A kindergarten and 4th grader, you can't lock them in kennel. I watched them and put them bed. Stephen came back to the house and I went home. James said he was proud of me. I responded with no big deal, I was just doing what was asked. We don't have kids, and someday we will. I'm just doing what I hope someone else will be doing for me later. Any band wife that needs a sitter, I feel like I should be there. I don't think it would be different if the army was in the mix or not. If I were back home and got the call from someone else, I'm pretty sure I would jump and do the same thing.