Why I couldn't go to church.

After spending 6 weeks with Amor, I came back and went to church for 2 weeks and I haven't been back. It's not because I got so use to not going to church while with Amor, going to church started to feel weird. No it's a little deeper than that. There are 3 parts to why I couldn't go to church.

Those first 2 Sundays back, my church made a plea for people to work Sunday school, and in the nursery. One the surface there's really nothing wrong with this. However, it seems lately the church is always looking for someone to fill some space. I realize this is a common problem with all churches. Our church has over 600 people who attend regularly.  So it's not like we are lacking in the people to do these things. I couldn't listen to this plea one more time. I had started to get a feeling very similar to what cause Jesus to toss table in the temple. I had just spent 6 weeks in a culture where you serve, that's just what you do. Also, just about everyone who was there made a sacrifice to be there. I sacrificed my job, and I wasn't the only one. I couldn't understand why 30 people  couldn't volunteer to serve. I know that most people in the room were thinking somebody else will do it. Well, you need to stop and realize that someone isn't doing it. If I had to sit through one more service and hear them asks for workers, I would definitely walk out of the service, or I might start flipping tables. I very much wanted to stand up that second Sunday, and say something like this, "Do you not understand what Christ did for you? Christ sacrificed everything, died on a cross, and this is an awful death, so that you could have a place in heaven. I haven't been to hell or heaven but from my understand he did something that you can't even grasp how wonderful it is. One of things Jesus said was to take care of each and to te
ach the next generation. I don't think he is asking for a whole lot out of us. So why they have to plead for 2 months for workers is beyond me. If everyone in this room truly understood what Christ did, they would have to turn workers away." I have this saying "Great love compels the one being loved to action."

Another thing that was happening is I was running into friends and they would ask how my trip was and then they would say, "I would love to hear more about your trip." I really love talking about Amor. If you and I have talked about Amor you know this, if you haven't heard me talk about Amor you are in for a treat. So later in the week, I would text or facebook these people and ask them when they wanted to get together. I got pretty much the same response, "I'm busy." If you didn't mean in why did you say it. I think that is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone who has returned from a short term mission trip, pretend to be interested. It break my heart. I had an amazing trip and I want to share it with everyone who wants to take part in my trip. The next time someone comes home from a short term mission trip, if you aren't going to make the effort please don't tell them you want to hear more. I realize that somethings you may not have interest in, but you can guide the conversation. I love chatting with Kathy and Diane cause I got to tell stories and just share. I also enjoyed chatting with Chris. He asked question about what he wanted to know. The question Chris asked didn't necessary pertain to the trip I just went on. He wanted to know about the house building process, I could have answer his question before I left for 6 weeks, but he took interest.

The last part, I'll admit is probably the lamest of all, but it factor in. Everybody who is military can relate on  some level. We are leaving. Our time in Alaska is coming to end. Most of these people I will probably never see on this side of heaven again. I have started to check out.

So there you have it.

Why I spent 6 weeks in Mexico.

Some of you know and understand how I arrived at spending 6 weeks in Mexico. There's a little more than what I've told. When I was asked how I got to a place where I felt I should quit my job and spend 6 weeks in Mexico this is often the story I told.

In July the book club I'm in a part of read Gayla's book Disrupted. After reading stories about building house, and about Chelsea, Jon, Steve and Amy, what I wanted was to go back and Barnabas. So I told James, I needed to Barnabas. His response, "Will one week be enough?" It will have be as that what is I can do. Dorothy later talked in to using some of my personal time and taking 2 weeks. James's response once again, "Will 2 weeks be enough?" It will have to be. As the school year started, the new high school math teacher wasn't a Christian at all. Her and I had an incident, and she proceed to slander me. It was hard to believe the way I was being treated by another "Christian". After making my life miserable for weeks on end she moved on to Dorothy. It was hard watching the same thing happen to Dorothy. By this time, it was aware that this is how she worked and there was some damage control done. She often threw fits and just did things that made the rest us feel not included and not worthy of working with her. I was coming home emotional frazzled. The women James was dealing with at home was not his wife. Then one day I used the word apathetic. This is not a word that James's wife uses. According to James, Michelle is full of feeling and thoughts, and when she has become void of feeling something is really wrong. This was James's neon sign that something had to change. He told me, I need to quit. I didn't make enough money to be treated like this. After talking about this a few more times, I asked him, what do I do from Jan until July. Without pausing to think James said spend the spring season with Amor doing Barnabas. I've never got to spend the whole spring season with Amor. I've done 2-3 weeks but that's about it. However, right before Christmas break, she was asked to resign, which she did. We get back from Christmas break, and I'm talking with our teacher's aid. She tells me that she is worried that she might lose her job, if we replace the Math teacher because the school isn't making enough to make payroll. As I think about this, this doesn't seem right. I'm leaving in July, I can't work there next year, why fire the  person who can work there, especially when there is someone on staff, who can't work there next year. I talked with the principal, she told me no one would get fire, that they could make payroll if everyone paid. However, if someone wanted to leave and do other things, it would relieve some finical stress. So Iresign, so I could get fired

However there is more to story than that. That's the surface story and it's great. I had battle with spiritual cancer. The winters have been hard on me. Even before the school year started things were a struggle. There's this story about how everyone has 2 dogs that follow them. A black dog of depression and a white dog of happiness and joy. The dog that wins is the dog you feed. Now I'll admit, I wasn't feeding the black dog, but when my surroundings put down food for the black dog, I didn't chase it off, I didn't take the food away.  So even before school started this year the black dog wasn't weak and feeble and near death, he was starting to get his strength back. Then the mess with the new high school teacher happened. The black dog was getting more food. I admit I wasn't feeding it, but I also wasn't stopping it from eating. I know full well that I will probably always battle depression. I know what feeds it, I also know how to control it better know. I wasn't doing anything to counter act it. Even though God, and I have spent time putting me back together, and making the women he needs me to be for Him. Even though my identity is secure in Him, I know it's possible to return that broken Michelle. I also know that's not where I want to be. As I realized what happening, I need to do something. Things with James and I weren't going well either, we were both unhappy with the road I was traveling down. My not caring was having effect on him, and I wasn't happy with him. It wasn't that I was running away, it was that I needed to be somewhere, the black dog doesn't get fed. Somewhere the black dog is ignored. Somewhere, that I'm reminded who I am. That I am a child of the one True King.  I need to return to me. My spiritual and mental health need to be restored. The best place to do that, is the place where it all started. 

Why are we adopting?

James and I feel that when we get to our next duty station, it's time to add to our family. After much thought and some praying and talking, we are going to adopt our children. We are still planning on 2. I've been asked why a lot lately and it comes to this. It doesn't matter that we could probably have our own. The way James and I see is there are lots of children out there, without loving parents. In fact, there are too many children in our foster system because the parents they have can't raise for whatever reason. I think one of the greatest reasons that has come to mind about this decision is that God has adopted us. God has brought us into His family, we need to strive to be like him. I've been doing research, and I've found that because we are military we have extra hoops to jump, but I have faith that my God has gone before and He stands beside, those extra hoops are obstacles, they are boxes that we need checked. God has already figure this out. I'm standing on the promises in Deut. 31:8, The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. I've been standing on this verse since I found it just before James and I got married, and I've seen him the work He does ahead of me. I think being Alaska, has shown me just how much ahead He has come. Also we have been commanded to take care of the orphaned, and think this is very real and tangible way to put that into action. James and I will be looking for a young child about 2-5, that's in the system, and their parents' rights have already been taken away. We want it to be a closed adoption, but if possible know who the parents and why their rights were taken away. We are also aware that God may have other plans, and we will keep our eyes open for those. God knows I like neon signs and that if something comes up that seems easier than our plans, I'll take that as His plans, and quickly switch to that. Pray for us to be quick to action, we have things we need to do, pray for the child and her parents. Pray that James, the social workers, lawyers, agencies workers, judges, and I all have wisdom.

Paradigm shifting.

Definition of PARADIGM

1: example, pattern; especially : an outstandingly clear or typical example or archetype

2: an example of a conjugation or declension showing a word in all its inflectional forms

3: a philosophical and theoretical framework of a scientific school or discipline within which theories, laws, and generalizations and the experiments performed in support of them are formulated; broadly : a philosophical or theoretical framework of any kind 

 

It's how you view the world. So what happens when it shifts? What happens when it starts to change? Really it depends on who is doing the shifting. I do my best not to the let the world shift my paradigm. I try to look at the world through a Christian paradigm. So what do you do when God is the one shifting the paradigm?

This is what I've been going through lately. God has used this summer to change my paradigm on a few things. He, however, didn't ask if this who I wanted to spend my summer. Especially shifting these paradigms. Of course, I'll admit that if He would have asked me my thoughts on changing these paradigms, I would have told Him that I'm perfectly happy with my views and can't we have a nice relaxing summer with no friction. That maybe why I wasn't asked.

On shift of paradigm, I'll admit I probably walked right into on my own accord and didn't realize it until it was too late. I was the one who chose to study Esther. Although I could argue that it through the promoting of the Spirit, I started listen to Tony Evan's podcast. Tony Evan's had said in one of his podcast that the name of God wasn't in the book of Esther. How could this not intrigue me, God knew the minute I head something like that I would look to investigate it. So, maybe He did lead me to it. You could argue that I didn't have to follow. Anyways let's leave that rabbit and get back to the shift in my paradigm. I had this firm belief that if God was silent, it was your fault. God doesn't move, we do. Well, not so much anymore. I already have this deep supernatural connection to God through his spirit. It doesn't matter what I do, I feel close to God, I know He is there whether I remember to have a quiet time or not. One day, I noticed a lack in the Spirit department. This was hard on me. I quickly spent days thinking about what I could have done to move. The more I thought the more I realized I didn't move. Of course about a day or 2 before I notice the absent Spirit, I was watching a Beth Moore session on her Esther study and she talked about how she had the Spirit left and she felt like she was going to die, and then when He came back it just overwhelmed. Upon hearing this, my thought, "Thank God, you have never done anything like that to me, I would die if you did something like that to me." I had a response come from within my heart, "You wouldn't die." "Well, ok, I wouldn't die, but I go back to the depression mess I was before I really found in Korea." I thought. Response from my heart, "Are you sure?" "Well, I'd become a mess and wouldn't know what to do at the very least." I responded. "Are you sure?" Well, I can tell you I didn't die, and I didn't become a depression mess either. I did keep plugging on and then I started begging Him to come back. Right before I was about to become a mess, I tripped and found God in a new way. I learned the importance of a silent. The things He showed after being so desperate from Him was amazing. He made Himself silent, so He could truly whisper and I would hear. So the next time it feels like God moved, maybe he didn't, maybe he went silent to get your attention. I can tell my spirit is better align with His now.

So now on to the other paradigm shifting. God has been working on my view and thoughts on what church is to me. We've been attending a rather large church for the past 2 years. The people are nice and friendly. They are areas for both James and I to serve. Pastor Eric is insightful and shines the light on the Scripture so well. So what could be wrong? I don't feel like I belong. I can honestly say I have no real deep connection to this church. I have maybe 3 people I feel really connected to. For me, this really hard to deal with. Church is where I go to feel like I belong and connected to people. Back in high school, when I started this whole church thing, it was most of the appeal to it. These people liked me, included and were all around great people. Nothing like high school. For me, those four years weren't the greatest years of life, they were awful miserable and a lot like Chinese water torture. That's a lot like how I was feeling at church minus the Chinese water torture. I was highly confuse and upset that God would lead us to place that would be so like high school for me. I became to demand and explanation to this. See, I was listening to Rick Warren, and he had said that if you are unhappy and have complaints God really does want to hear them. He wants you to take his complaints to him. So that's what did. At first I got nothing. I really need to understand why I was at church I didn't belong. He started responding with things like. This is where I want you to serve. This where you will be useful. This is where I want to be. Only until recently I got a little more on this shifting paradigm. Church isn't about you and what you need out of it. It's about God and how I can serve and glorify him. Even though I don't really want to admit this, church was about me and what I could get out of it. The church was there to serve me and my needs. Then I began to wonder why for the past 15 years He let me have this view that it was about me belonging. God made a valid argument. How else was He suppose to get me into this relationship without appealing to one of my greatest needs at the time. I was so insecure and unsure about everything at that point in my life, how else was I suppose to meet the only one out there could fix everything and be what I needed without appealing to my greatest need. Now that myself image is ground Christ, now that my self worth comes  from Christ. I have my phone refer to me as Child of the One True King, that's how much I identify myself with the image of me in Christ. Shouldn't He start changing things about how I look things to better suit who I am in Him.

Offense and Growth

     One thing I have noticed about churches is that when things change, you can count one thing to happen, somebody will get their toes stepped on, their feelings hurt or being offended. The main reason for this is that we are human, while we are still on this side of heaven, broken and imperfect. So what does one do when things like this happen? There are lots of things that can done. Everyone get mad, upset and angry. There is nothing wrong with this as a first reaction, it's what you do with these feelings that makes them right or wrong.
    I recently when through one these times where things at church were changing and I got my toes stepped on. I was accidentally left out of decision that I felt like based on the work I've done the past year I should have at least been informed about the decision and the direction the ministry was going in. I had three initial thoughts to this happening. All three were wrong, but I drove home and went through my thoughts and feelings over and over again. Not the best idea for me. I learned from this that I don't just emote. Yes, emotion comes first, but I also think and process these in my head. By the time I got home, I had felt I'm done with Bethel Church. I'm not going back there anytime soon and I'm probably not serving in the women's ministry in anyway. James hearing all this mistook for a second and said just because what one person did to you isn't a reason to leave God. I quickly corrected him, this had nothing to do with my feeling about God, it's that church, I don't want to go back there. So James said you or we need to go and talk with Pastor Eric. My response I'm too upset, I'm too mad to do that right now. I was in the moment to upset to move forward. I knew enough that I shouldn't be act in my anger. It's ok to be mad, it when you act in the anger that can lead to sinning. I was very aware that if I acted in the that anger, I would sin. So James went in and talked with Pastor Eric. It was decided that the three of us need to sit down and work through this. Realizing that this was a new area for me, I've never been so upset with any church that I couldn't go back to it, that I probably shouldn't try and tackle this on my own. I need guidance and I agreed that Pastor Eric was probably the best place to go for this kind of guidance. I also need to process this. I spent time talking this over with God and then I moved on to my friend Dorothy. She affirmed that my feelings and thoughts weren't coming out left field. That they were valid and normal too. I really needed that.  After the battle I had with depression and the lies I let my feelings tell for 10 years, I really needed the affirmation that they weren't misleading me again. I also knew that in this I needed someone who tell me what I needed to hear. I needed to be told some truth. I hesitated calling Jason. When this was happening in my life, he was studying for two huge tests, that he needed to pass in order to get out of AIT, so I couldn't bring myself to bother him. I finally did. Jason basically told me that it doesn't matter how I feel, or what happened to me. I need to submit to God's will especially when He is clearing telling me what it is. Then Sunday, we didn't go to Bethel Church. I was still a little raw and a little upset, that I felt it wasn't good idea. Avoiding those areas where I could sin in my anger seemed like a good idea. So I left this up to James, we could stay home and sleep or we could go to church somewhere else. James decided we should go to church where Dorothy's husband is preaching at right now. Chris spoke about being betrayed. It was one of those God acted in Chris's life during the week, so he would speak to me where I was and what I need to hear from God. I'm sure Pastor Eric had a great sermon, that was very enlightening, but I need to hear that confronted me and my issues. So Monday came and James and I sat down with Pastor Eric. By this time I felt it was kinda moot. I knew very well what I need to do. I needed to sit down and talk with Cheryl. However the talk with Pastor Eric was good. I really put a nice cherry on the top of long thought process that needed to happen. I also got to see my pastor's wisdom in a new light. He is a very wise man, and need to see more of that. I also got see how much he does really care for us. He is a great pastor.
    So after all this, I went and sat down with Cheryl. She and I talked. I had light shed on what happened and what she wanted to do with what I had been working on the past year. I can go back to Bethel Church and I can serve in the women's ministry.
   So what did take away from all this? It's ok to get upset, but sometimes it isn't what it looks like. Pastor Eric gave me the advice of the next time something like this happen, I need to go to that person and voice that I have been offended or hurt, let them know that I need to go and process this some more before we talk, but to let them. However, after talking with Dorothy, I know that because I'm not just a feeler or a thinker, I'm both I need to process before I try to deal with being hurt. I can only deal with or fix it without sinning until I have an understanding of process. I also was reminded why Jason is so important. He will say what I need to hear in a way that I will listen to it and I can respond that I don't want to talk with him anymore, and he knows what I'm really saying is that I this is what I needed to hear, and I got the message fully. Thank you James for being such a good husband and handle it like I needed you too. Thank you Jason for continuing to speak truth into my life. Thank you Dorothy for listening to me process this. Thank you Pastor Eric for the wisdom and light in all this.

Friendship and the Army

So I've notice it more here in Fairbanks than I did around Fort Rucker. It seems that everyone is friendly, but they aren't really into making friends especially so with those of here for the Army. I understand, I sometimes have my reservations. Why bother making friends with people who live, seeing as how I'm just going to leave? But when God made me, He made me a people person. In fact, I need that relationship to thrive. There are people who are friendly we chat when our paths cross. However there is only a small handful of those people that I would call friends. We try to fit each other into our busy lives. I know that it may even be harder on them when I leave. As it is just James and I, when the time comes to say good bye, I can remind myself, that I will see these people again. Now it may not be on this side of heaven, but I will see them again. They have it a little harder because some of these friends, have children that I have spent time with and played with and laughed with. They will have to explain to their children why we are moving, but still they invest in me, and I in them. I think one reason is because when you have friends they can help carry some of the burden of life. I don't know why some people hold back in the friendship department with the Army. I know some of comes from not understanding, our lives are very different and sometimes they harder to keep shiny and pretty looking, somethings in our lives just can't be swept under the carpet when company is around. Good-bye is hard to say and not fun to deal with, but I however wouldn't want to miss out on that connection and a long the way as you make friends you find that some of these friends are connected. At each duty station I've been (both of them), one of friends has been friends with someone I know back in Phoenix. I could keep to myself and just the other Army people out there, but then I would miss out on a friendship with a lady who is wise, and friendly, and a great example of godly wife and mother. I would miss out painting with 2 small children and giving a little relief to migraine mother, who just wants to be a mother. I would have to find something else to do Sundays after church. I would have never had tons of fun golfing at 8:30pm. Will I miss these people? Yes, but once again I look at the cost and the enjoyment. The happiness these people have brought into my life, out way the small pain of good-bye. If I don't see them again in this life, I will get to see them again and then I will spend the rest of life as we know it with them too.

So... It's been awhile

Let me tell you living in Alaska can be hard. I know the last time I blogged was about South Africa, and I can tell you a lot has happened since South Africa and today. I'm no longer call myself a kindergarten teacher, and I'm just a teacher. So a little recap of the past year. After getting back from South Africa, I had an interview at Fairhill Christian School. I was hired to teach K-4. I had 7 of the most wonderful little children. I really enjoyed teaching and I was thrilled to be working with 9 really great people. It turned that enrollment didn't go up like they thought it would, and I really shouldn't of been hired. The 5th/6th grade teacher's husband got order to leave, so Walt (the principal) came to me and asked if would go teach 5th/6th grade. After much thought and prayer, I accepted the challenge God had placed before me. So right before thanksgiving I had 12 very different, very unique 5th/6th graders. Things didn't go as smoothly as what was wanted, but I plugged on. During the mess of moving from 5th/6th grade, James was promoted and he became a Staff Sargent. James and I took three weeks at Christmas time and went to see our family. His parents were thrilled, and my parents were surprised. They had no idea we were coming. We got to see lots of friends too. We were able to Jeff and Leona before we left California. We had good rest of the school year. I did the simulcast and had some struggles getting help, but on my end things went well. With the budget issues, James has been home a lot which is nice. Nothing to exciting going right now. We just had a trip to Valdez, and my aunt is coming in another week. I'm looking forward to enjoying the summer, and start back up in the fall teaching 5th/6th grade. I'm hoping to get back to blogging more. I'm also researching Esther and getting really into. I have plans of writing about it.