Magic Wands and PVC pipe what in the world?

A few years go on an Amor trip God gave me an object lesson that I needed very much and it's easy to remember. I shared with the ladies at Tapestry retreat on year. Joy remembers and it really spoke to her.

At the time, I was just starting my teaching career which had a very rough and rocky start. I was really struggling with wanting to be a teacher and wanting to do great and wonderful for God's glory. An new "tool" was introduced. It was a small piece of pvc pipe about foot long. For most people when they look at pvc pipe they think about plumbing and transferring water form on spot to another used by plumbers. However to me, I just need a small section and it's the greatest tool I've ever used. It's used to stretch chicken wire. The job use to be time consuming and hard. It isn't easy to get the chicken wire tight enough. With this pvc pipe, I've heard call the magic wand, it's quick easy and the chicken wire is tight enough.

So the lesson learned is this: that you may see a simple a teacher when you look at me. That's fine. God did intended for me to be teacher. That role in my life has it's purpose. However, when you take me and place in God's hands, I can do amazing. I've built houses. I've a company have a smooth spring season. I've been a nurse's assistant. I've helped children learn about bible. I've feed people.

I don't want to be the pvc pipe. I want to do something that at times seems mundane and boring. I know it's very functional. In fact, it's needed. It's job that somebody needs to do. I want be the magic wand. I want to be doing amazing things for God's glory. I know that both show how great my God is, but you don't have look when you are being the magic wand.

Just so you know

I've been told several times over the past several months about how brave I am because I'm going to become an army wife. That it takes a very special type of person to be an army wife. An army wife has to be independent.

I just think I should straighten things out. First off, I'm not brave at all. I shake on the inside. I'm scared of change and the thought of newness overwhelms. This is the person who walked through security at the airport bailing after saying good-bye to my parents and Kelly the day I left for Korea. I was also running away from problems on that day too. As for being independent, I'm the farther-est thing from it. I need people. I count on them. I love people.

What I do know is this. James is amazing and I love him more than I can express. That God is sufficient. I just have to depend on Him. He will make me into that woman that is an army wife. It doesn't matter that I'm not that brave. This isn't about how brave I am, but willingness. I'm willing to leave everything behind and embrace this new life with James. The greatest part about all this is that I have the guarantee that I'm not doing this alone. James will go with me. When the army sends James away, I'll still have God and that's all need.

So honestly, I'm only pretending to be excited. Deep down, I'm scared half death. I can't tell you where I'm going to live or even what kind of job I'll have next year. What does matter is that God will go before and James will go with.

I just don't understand somethings

Before I get to the main point, I feel I should give some background. I attend two churches. I go to Royal Palms Baptist Church. I have been going there since I was 15, I will probably always think of it as my home church. About three years, I was on an amor trip and had three sites I was watching over. One of these groups was Trinity Baptist of Mesa. I went to a Sunday morning and filled out the visitor info. I was called and told about an evening service. I went and checked out. It was a good service and the people were great. I've been going ever since.

In January, Royal Palms sent Jeremiah Johnson to Mozambique. He went to work with the Dinah family. He was going out to villages and preach the gospels. He was doing amazing things. He was reach new villages and going into to villages that had been reached but had moved away for the gospel. One day, he had gone out to visit the first village he made contact with. He was returning home on a motorcycle on a small one line road when an another on coming car tried to pass him. It hit on the side and sent him flying. God took him home.

Tonight at Trinity, they had a missionary, Doug Cannon, visiting and he spoke. He had be in be over in Asia teaching and preaching. He moved over to China. He was reaching a people that live up in the mountains. These people also haven't really be reached either. About six months ago, he was riding in car on high mountain, it hit an ice patch and slide. The car went over the side of the mountain. He broke his neck. He was taken to hospital in Hong Kong. He had a surgery and has recovered. He has most of the motion back in his neck.

So I'm left wondering something. Why did Jeremiah die? Why did Doug live? It just it doesn't make sense. They were both out there doing great things God. They were both furthering God's kingdom. Why was Jeremiah taken home? Why was Doug healed? Why is Royal Palms left hurting and dealing with the loss and pain? Why is Trinity celebrating the life and healing? I wish I had answers. I wish I knew the reason. I know that God has a reason and his plans are good and wonderful. I just want to know why I had crying at Jon's desk, and why my first friend to pass away was younger than me and doing great things for things God? Why does it hurt? When will it stop?

Amor is in the air

So I spent the last three weeks building houses in Mexico. I go through Amor ministries. I go through Project Barnabas. I like doing the barney thing because I get to see a another side of Amor. I get to help out both the Amor staff and the groups that come down.

I start on Saturday. It's a day of training. We got through some cultural training, some how to deal with different groups and of course we go over the house. I started the same week as the great kids from Hope came from their spring break. So there was about 30 of us in training. It was also the week Jeff and Leona came. I've been doing the barney thing with them since I started. After training we loaded up the vans and went into to camp. The overpass that was causing a huge mess through town was finished. You can now bypass most of the lights in town. The boarder fence was finished. It long and high. It's also in these mountains that use to be really beautiful. I set up my tent. We had dinner, hung out around the camp fire and called it a night. I got up and we went across to the office. I had an amazing lunch at the office. Let me tell you the lunches at the office are just amazing. Then the mess of check in started. I wasn't scheduled for a lead-in but ended up having one. Kamar wanted help because it was kinda long. I rode with the group I was working with. They were from northern CA. Normally they come with St. Andrew's Yuba City but they had different spring breaks. They worked hard and were a really good group. Thursday, we woke up to rain. The group decided that they would go and stucco the house that had no stucco and be fine with all their hard work. I stayed back and Matthew went since they wouldn't be working on both houses. I stayed back and got to go shopping for the Urban Saints. I went to Costco in Mexico and MegaDulces, and Walmart. I had tacos for lunch and got to have a frappuccino. Lydia spoiled us. Friday, I crossed the boarder. I did my laundry, and stayed in a hotel.

Week 2: Saturday, I just hung out in the office. The new barneys got trained and we went back into Mexico. I had to move my tent. It was the big huge week. Just about every space in camp was used up. Sunday, we got to cross the boarder and go to the office. There was just about no line. I'm talking like 5 cars in each line. We did have to get out and let the Mexican military search are van. We chilled at Starbucks for little and then went to the office. Another awesome lunch. Have I told you how great lunch at the office is? Well, it's great. The Sunday lunches are the best food I ate all week long. I had a lead in to do. It was a mess. The boarder patrol had us unload their luggage. It was kinda a mess but the group was good about. There was an earthquake and I was chilling in the Amor store when it happened. I was sitting in a chair and it started shaking, so I stood up. There were Brits in the store asking why the building was shaking and if it should shake like it was. Jon told us all that it was no big deal. Then Blair traded to get through and Jon couldn't respond. Then T.J. came running and asked if everything was ok. Turns out we had an earthquake. The group I worked was the group James came down with during high school. I was really thrilled. I helped build a bowling alley or double long. It was 44x11. I also got work with Trust. He is friends with James. I enjoyed the group I worked with. They have their own manual. They also have some people who will tell you that don't need any help from Amor and can do a better job, they have been coming for 20 years. The group I worked with didn't have anyone like that. I did have to hear how one of these people thought Amor had given some of the worse sites they had ever seen them. They had two attachments. I'll give you that sometimes attachments can be harder but they were attaching on the 8 ft side. That's the hard side to wrap and stucco, so I think they are lucky. Part of me wanted to point out that maybe Amor give the such "awful" sites because they trust Yuba City to do a good job. After Monday, I kinda just avoid this person. I had a good time they worked hard. I gave them some advice and they listened. I ate all my meals with Trust and Autumn (Trust's girlfriend). They were better than T.V. Friday. I went out did laundry and stayed in the hotel.

Week 3: Saturday, I went and got lunch and washed the van. Nobody was in camp so the put us up in a hotel. We went to the beach, had a good dinner. We also went mini golfing. We went in to church at an overly friendly church that spend 30 minutes of the sermon talking about how wonderful they were. Then we went into Mexico. I drove the van to get ice. I work with a group from Los Altos. They had about 12 under the age of 15. Monday we woke up to rain. We decided to go to the shopping center and see if they were movies playing. About lunchtime the rain cleared up. We went back to camp and had lunch. Then we went to work site. We got things set up to lay cement and started a wall. The next day we got up got to work. It was a long day, I didn't drink enough water. Along the way home, I threw up twice. The running joke the rest of the week was how you need to drink enough water or you'll end up throwing up on the side of the road in Mexico. They worked hard and got one coat of stucco on the house. The site foreman told me that I did a great job and the bottom part of the house and the only reason it has stucco was because I did a good job of being the leader. They were a really great group and really enjoyed them. Friday, I drove out. It was a little scary, but I didn't. the scariest part was when the semi almost drove us off the road. It's good thing there was some road construction going on and there was some road for me to get over onto. After crossing the boarder, I turned on my phone. I have facebook mobile so my phone explode with text messages. At a red light I picked up my phone and began to see what I had missed during the week. I got to a status message from Jackie Kennel and it said the memorial service for Jeremiah will be on Saturday April 17 at ten. I kinda went into shock. I mumble stuff and then asked if you have memorial services for reasons other than death. I pulled the van back into the office, trying to comprehend what happened. It just wasn't registering. I saw Jon and he asked me how the week was and I told him I needed to get on facebook and figure things out. Jon took me to his desk and got me there. I went to David's page and saw that Jeremiah had passed away. I sat a Jon's desk and cried for about ten minutes. I went back to the lunch. They offered me lunch. I had some I unloaded the van. I talked with the staff a little about Jeremiah. Jon asked me if I need anything and I told him I wanted to go home. He asked what he could to help. I'm pretty sure he was ready to get any airline to move my ticket to that day if I had flew out there. I drove though. I loaded my car and took off for home. I made it home around seven. I got up and went to Jeremiah's service. It was really great very healing. I wanted in line so I could see David and Diana. David's response to seeing me was Should you be here? Are you done? Did you leave early? It spokes volumes to about the Johnson family. I did assure David that I was done and it's ok that I was there. I wasn't missing out on my trip to be there for him and his family.

I've got the what? Down where?

I was asked what's wrong with me. Here is what was said to me. "You're boyfriend is miles away. You don't have a job, and your dad could die of cancer. You are so happy. What's wrong with you? Normal people wouldn't be happy."

So what is wrong with me. I would have to say that I think it's deeper then happy. Happy is surface feeling. Something that doesn't over take and can easily be washed away. I've got something deeper. I call it joy. Joy comes from your heart and goes down to the soul. I feel that it's ok to have joy because of what is going on around. I have joy because I know there is someone out there watching and taking care of things. It's fine to have joy in my heart even though the things around me are that great.

Sure my boyfriend is miles away. The best part about is that he is still mine, he still loves. Where is he doesn't change who he is. He still makes me laugh, smile and feel special. He is still amazing and wonderful. It's good for us to be apart, I see it as practice. Let's face facts, things are getting better over in the middle east and there will be a time when he is gone for a whole year. It will be my turn to sit by the phone wait for him. My life can't stop because we aren't together. Don't get me wrong. I miss him. I would love for it to be the day when we get to be together. That isn't happening now. I have a choice I can focus on the fact that we are apart or I can think about what is to come. Personally, I like to think about what will come when he isn't near.

This whole not having a job thing is ok. I'm applying. I've got my resume on three different websites. There isn't much more I can do. With all that's going on with my father it's probably good that I don't have job. My mom would stay home and take care of him. But that means she has to sit around and she doesn't do that well. She needs to be doing things. So she takes the important days off. The big deal days, and I'll take care of him on the rest. James also nicely pointed out the reason I don't have a job is because I'm not suppose to be here. I have somewhere better to go and not having a job is one less thing I'll have to deal with when it's time to leave. That door will open when it's time.

As for my father, sure he could die of cancer, but he isn't going to be it anytime soon. The last thing he needs is for us dwelling on how horrible this could be. He feels lucky and he is. He is sure that he can beat this and he can. I think heming and hawing poor dad isn't helping him any. It could be better. The surgery could have removed all the cancer instead of finding more. The great thing is that the surgery found where it started. He was told that he would have to radiation until Feb and see the dr once a month for the next two years. This isn't poor dad, this is thank God he was sent to a dr. that wants to make sure it's all gone and taken care off.

Life isn't this horrible awful thing that knocks you down. It isn't out there to abuse you. It's this great wonderful journey. Sure flat tire appear along the way, things need to be fixed and looked at. We have to watch and make sure we aren't low on oil, but that's all a part of it. Sometimes you make bad choices, you make wrong turns, but that's part of it. You learn more from failure than success and you should just keep moving forward. So the real question isn't what's wrong with me. I don't really think there is anything wrong with me because I look at life for what it is a gift that should be enjoyed to it's fullest. The question is what's wrong with you that you have to point out all the bad and hem and haw about how awful life is.

The Big C

I should probably start off by saying, I am daddy's little girl. My world up until a few months revolved around my father. He was greatest man in my life. He took care of me. If something was broken he fixed. If I needed help he helped me. I often call him Poppy bear. He will defend me. Some people have said things about me and my father has put them in their place. I'm quite sure the man is fond of me. How many fathers are willing to drive out to Mesa to change a flat tire?

So about a month ago I had my world shaken up quite a bit. I received an e-mail from my father. I was still in Alabama with James at this time. It said that he had lymphoma. I was a mess. I had just read the e-mail and James shows up at my hotel room finished with work for the day. I felt bad from because I was in tears and scared. I probably didn't say one word that made sense. He was probably standing wondering what he had gotten himself into with this girlfriend who has just emotionally fallen apart. I spent the next two weeks worry about my father.

I come home and after talking with my dad, there isn't too much to worry about. He had notice a lump on his neck below his ear one morning. So he goes online to WebMD and he types in the symptoms. It comes back telling him it's most likely an infection and will go away in two weeks. Two weeks come and go and it's still there. So my dad goes to the doctor. Where they begin to poke, prod and run tests. It takes some work and my dad has almost had it, and is about to give up when the last test comes back as lymphoma. They checked him out and it from some else in his body. This is the only piece cancer. So now what? The good thing is my dad is fine and it isn't life threating at least not now because it was caught so early. This has a high rate of being cured the sooner it is found. He has surgery on Friday Nov 20th. After they take it out they will decide if they need to do radation or not. With the surgery they are going into remove the lump and maybe some muscle if the lump has attached to the muscle. If they do remove the muscle he may lose so funiction in his left arm, but he is fine with that.

As for the family, my dad is handling the best. He'll tell you it's nothing to worry about he isn't dieing which is true. My mother and I are keeping an eye on him. Her and I will take care of him afterwards. My sister doesn't want to talk about it at all. She has the mindset of if we ingore it'll go away. My mother is staying very busy she's only taking two days off of work. This is good because as long as mom is moving and doing stuff, she's doing fine. I'm no longer a basket case like I was. If you have been praying for my father thanks a bunch. If you haven't cause you didn't know and are going to start thanks a bunch. He'll be fine.

Trying not to be broken, in a broken world

Let's start of by saying it's ok for you to comment. I talked with James and he told my first blog kinda discourage him from commenting. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I like the comments. It's encouraging to me.

First, I need to start of by letting you know the whole purpose of Korea. I've admitted why I went twice. Last night, I admitted to someone I barely know why I went, and why God sent me. I went to run away from God. I was upset with Him and didn't understand what was going on. I spent 4 and half long years going to college, and things just weren't work out. It didn't make sense. I was pretty sure God wasn't even aware of me. However, I was need of what I call time out. When used properly, a time out opens your eyes to bad behavior, how it's wrong, and what you can do not to do it again. I also need to grow in ways I couldn't here. I had lesson that couldn't be learned here. Then, lastly, is James. It was the only the way to two of us would cross paths. It's kinda hard to fall in love and marry someone you've never meet.

So now, I feel like I'm better person. Some of things I learned over there has fixed some of the things that were wrong with me. It's kinda hard to explain how I was broken. I just know that was, and now it's not so much. One thing that happened over there, is that I learned that my God is who He says He is. While I was there I did a lot of reading about God and learned about His power and love from books and then watched applied. I think that is the greatest thing that happened.

I have also learned how to be a better person. I know some of think I'm already a good person, but I had trouble handling and dealing with people who rub me wrong. I had trouble keeping my mouth shut. Just because it's true and right doesn't mean it needs to be said. I know this now. I didn't before. When it came to dealing with some people (especially my sister) I would say something, I'm about to sound like a 5 year old because that's what it is, childish behavior. It's not okay to behave that way. S/He started it. I don't start the button pushing the other person does. I tried to teach my kindergartners this, but I hadn't fully learned it either. If you don't want it do to you then maybe you shouldn't do it to others. I don't want my buttons pushed so why am I pushing others. It doesn't matter that they are pushing mine. I had to learn that it's best just not to say anything sometimes. I also learned and put into practice that there is no point in being mad and hating other people. By being mad at someone, it gives them power over your life to make it horrible. If you are mad at someone it doesn't effect there life. They go on living life unaware of it. You only have some energy so why waste it on being mad at someone. I'm saying that you have like everyone around you, it's just there is no point in being mad and holding on to things that upset you. It effects you more than them.

So now I've come home. I'm dealing with people that are broken. I'm dealing with people that push buttons for the sake of pushing buttons. I also have people who think being mad at someone makes them feel bad, and holding on to stupid things is done. They also like to make you feel small and awful because they are mad at you. These people make comments, they know hurt you. These people also believe that your circumstance define your life. So I'm sitting here without a job and miles away from the greatest man I know, I should be frustrated, upset and depressed. I certainly shouldn't be trying to see things from God's view. That not having job is just waiting to see how God will provide. The being apart is just practice for when he gets deployed and will have to be away. I think it also grows our love stronger, and we feel twice as blessed when we get to be together. It's been hard to push buttons back. I've done a good job so far. When the comment "Don't get to attached, she's just going to leave again. She doesn't really like us anyways." was I wanted to say so many things, but I didn't. When the comment was made, "Daddy think that dog is retarded." I didn't say, "Well, you're retarded and when still keep you around." But the hardest comment was, "Comprises are when nobody gets what they want." I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say, "How can think we are well adjusted normal family with a point of view like that."

I don't have to understand it. I just don't have to respond. If they want to be broken and be jaded. That's how they choose to live life. I can't change them, I don't have that power. What I can do is live my life and focus on the blessing.