We have yet to do anything the "traditional" way

We recently moved to Fairbanks, AK. We began searching for a church home, and about four churches later we found. However, I'm still left a little uneasy about. I'm still not completely sure that it's the right fit, but until I get that big neon sign that it isn't right, we'll keep at it.

Last Sunday, I had a conversation with the pastor that left my little uneasy. He walked up and said good morning and that it was nice to be able to hear the trumpet that morning during worship. I said good morning and agreed. He then looked at me and said, "Now let me sure I got this right, He basically grew up in the church, but you've only been a Christian for about 15 years?" I responds with yes. He then asked, "Then why does it seem that you are stronger when it comes to spiritual matters and you appear to be the spiritual leader?" My response, "Now don't take this as me saying it's bad to grow up in the church and the people that do aren't able to have a deep meaningful relationship with God, but sometimes, when you've fought for, struggle through, and wrestled out your relationship with God, you have a deep relationship with God." He gives me an ok, and I continue, "I've made some request of God that just makes my relationship with God more intense and deeper than James." He responds with "I see." So I say, "If it's an issue, that I'm the spiritual leader in my family, I can tell James, I'm no longer happy here, and we can go back to church shopping." Then there was a long pause, like he was thinking this over. I'm standing beginning to fill awkward. When he says, "Well, you know the bible says it should be James." I respond with, "I learn best with object lesson, and I had one a couple years, I was helping a group build a house down in Mexico, now my role was to help out, and encourage, not necessarily be the leader. It was the groups first, and the youth pastor wasn't really suited to be the foreman, the group need someone to be the foreman, now I could step up and next that place because I was most suited to do it, or I could fill the role that I normally take as support and hope the house gets built. There are some positions you don't leave empty, you don't wait for the person who is suppose to fill the role to fill it, sometimes, someone else has to step up and do it. The spiritual leader of a family is not one to be left vacant. Now if James grows his relationship and decides he needs to be the spiritual leader, I will gladly step down and let him have, but I'm not about leave that position empty until he is ready. So you can accept us, you can do something to change that, or you can tell me that James needs to be the spiritual leader, and we can go look for another." Pastor takes a few minutes to think this over, and then says to me, "I'll take option number 2, I'm going to do something, but until something changes, I'll work on number 1." I looked at him and said, "Thank you, and besides, James and I have yet to do anything in the "traditional" way."

Not so much

James and I have found ourselves in Fairbanks, AK. Upon arriving here, on our list of things to do is find a church. So I went to the internet. I went to Google and typed in churches in Fairbanks and got a list. After looking at the websites and looking at what they had to offer, I had a list of about 6 churches that seemed promising. One of the churches, pointed out that they do special music and then began to list the kinds of performances, brass was listed. Thinking of my husband, I thought this might be a good place for him. So we went. Now I will openly admit that I don't sing beautifully. But I take the line in Psalms where you make a joyful noise unto the Lord. That's how my husband describes my singing, and that's what it is a joyful noise. To me, there are some songs that I can't sing quietly. The song How Great Thou Art, the chorus needs to be song out. We sing this song Sunday morning, and when we get to the Then sings my soul, I start singing more with more joy. There's a handful people that turn around and give a not so friendly look at me. So I'm too thrilled. Next this couple gets up and sings a song, they do a wonderful job and when they are done, nobody claps. I lady plays the violin and does a beautiful job, and again no clapping. Another lady gets up to sing a solo, she does a awesome job and still no clapping. Now this bothers both James and I. When someone does a good job there should be praise for them and God. So after the service, James asks why there is no clapping. The explanation was that when you clap you are praising the person, and since God gave the gift He should be praised and He should be the only one praised. Now I've received praise for using the gifts God has given me. I feel that it's my job to share that praise. As a human, I need that praise too. Especially when I'm using a gift, I'm unsure about. I doubt my ability to write, so when someone tells me what a good job I did it encourages me to keep going. When someone gathers the up the courage to get up in front of group of people and use their gift, there is nothing wrong encouraging that. There are many people who try to keep their gifts to themselves. There are people who will never get up in front of crowd. The fact that you are obedient needs to be encouraged. Now James really enjoyed the service, and thought the pastor did an amazing job a preaching. So Wednesday night rolls around and we go to their Wednesday night service, which is what it was, and not a bible study like the website said. Not that big a of deal. They took prayer request and then someone got up and preached and he did a good job, in fact the message was great and could be applied that night. After we was done talking about sin and how to deal with it and the fruits of the spirit and the flesh, a kid from the youth got up and basically said he had sinned and had asked for forgiveness from his mother and was seeking it from the church. The pastor got up and spent a good 15 talking about what happened in general terms. He even said some things that I don't think should have been said. So basically the message of the evening you really shouldn't kick someone while they are down, and pastor got up and kicked the poor kid. No matter how great a church James and I can't attended a like that. Did the kid need to get up in front of the church ? Yes he did. Did pastor need to shake his finger at the kid for 15 minutes pouring on more shame? Not in front of the church like that. Yes sin needs to be addressed and taken care of, but not aired out for everyone to see. As we were leaving that night, we stopped by the man who ran the music. I was worried that he was coming to address that fact of my joyful noise singing, because of their core values is quality music. However, I was wrong. He runs the young married group and was coming to say Hi to the new young couple. After that another lady told us this was a good church to come to get fed. I don't want to get fed, I can feed myself, I want to be used. Is it a good church? I think so, but I can't just can't go somewhere that kicks people while they are down.

Removing the label

So the past weekend I was asked a question. I was asked when I became a Christian. To me, the word Christian is a label given by the world. It describes the kind of lifestyle you are trying to have. As the dictionary says it is someone who follows the teachings of Christ or someone who believes in Christ. To me, many people out there pretend to be or act like Christians but they aren't going to heaven. This label doesn't fit for me. I feel like I've surpassed it. The word Christian isn't in the bible. It's truely just a label given by the world. It's just so simple and just about anyone can be a "Christian" without doing much. I don't want to be just a follower. I don't just believe in Christ.

My mother claims to be a Christian. I don't know if she really is, by the world's standard she probably is. I, however, know that it isn't the same. I've shed the label. I'm not a Christian. I don't just follow Christ's teachings. I don't believe in Christ. I have a relationship with Him. He is my best friend and the only one I fully depend on.

As bad as it going to sound, the day I became a "Christian" wasn't anything special. Sure, I was saved and I had my "fire insurance." It wasn't a special day, nothing really exciting happened. I went to church and I tried to be a good person. What really made the difference in my life is when I started a relationship with Christ. When I started spending time in the bible and trying to learn about God that's when things changed. It took a long time for this to happen. Once I started treating it like a relationship things started to change. The huge mess of my life didn't seem to matter. There is an influence in my life changed. I can hear God clear, it's easier to feel His direction I actually feel awful when I don't obey. I really can't describe the feeling but it's just horrible. I almost can't function as a person. I trust Christ more than anything. Christ is the only one who means more to me than my husband. He is the only one that really matters. I love my husband, but Christ is more important.

It's a label given by the world and I refuse to use it to describe me because I don't just follow, I don't just believe. I have a relationship.

A pass because you are never told to see the wonders of God.

Very soon my husband and I will be parting ways. No we aren't getting a divorce. He is going to VA Beach to get some training. I'm off to Mexico to do something I do well, build houses and support Amor through their spring season. Because my husband loves me, he asked for a pass this weekend. We wanted to take me to the aquarium in Atlanta. Now Chief, as his called by the band folks ( I can him Jesse), calls my husband into his office to get some details before he approves it. James reminds him that we'll be apart for little over 2 months and he would like to take me to the aquarium. Chief gives James the aren't you to old to be going to places like that without children.

If it were up to me to respond this is what I would say to him. No, we aren't. See, we have this great and amazing God. For some reason beyond my ability to understand cares for us. God took his time at making all these amazing things. I find the things under the water to be extra neat. I'm just think it's so fascinating to see these creatures that God took the time to make. That's why I like the aquarium so much it gives the ability to see these creatures. I want to stand in awe at things God made. I want to stare into water and see animals and think of how great my God is. Then I'm going to smile a big smile. See, another thing about this amazing God is that He has a hobby. He's busy running the world, take care of this and that and watching over us, but He has a hobby. His hobby is making us, those that love Him back, smile. God likes to see us smile. It warms His heart. It probably makes His day when we smile because of works He did. So, Chief, I want to spend time with husband admiring the things God made. I want to stand there and think how awesome is that God created something just to make me happy.

Yes, I firmly believe that the only reason there are aquariums to make me smile. I have no doubt that when we get to heaven if you ask God what was the purpose of aquariums, he'll respond, "To make Michelle smile."

There's something out there that makes you smile. It's for you. God made it just for you. Go and enjoyed and don't forget to smile.

The failure that I am

Disclaimer: If you have me on a pedestal of being this great and wonderful Christian, I think that maybe you should remove from it before reading this. If you have me on a pedestal what you read here will probably cause me to fall off of it, I have a feeling that if I fall it might hurt you more than me. I just want to lie my heart out there and be honest with you. I warn you may not like what you read. If you start reading this you should read it to the end.

I'm a failure there is no way around. I have failed at many things. I have a long list of things I could have done better. I've failed as a daughter. My parents would never admit but I know that I have let them down, I have disappointed them. I've failed as sister. The relationship between my sister and I is such a mess there is no to see that it will ever be good. It was a mudslide that just started sliding and not the destruct is so awful, it's impossible to see anything good. I've failed as a teacher. My first two years of teaching were just so awful that fail is the only word I think to put to it. I've failed as Christian. I spent 3 years in a relationship with man, I shouldn't have even go on a date with. Because of that relationship I had an abortation. I got so discourage that I ran away from God.

I am a failure in the eyes of the world. I've made a huge mess with life. So I have a choice. I can be a failure. I can embrace and live that awful life that all failures live. Or I can embrace Jesus. I can accept the grace and mercy that God wants to pour out on me.

I have plans of cling to my new life verse. I found Philippians 3:14 a couple of weeks ago. I was doing a bible study for Thursday night Navigators that James and I go to. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. It's time for me to stop resting on verse that has God being the active one. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. See before God was the one doing all the work. That's fine when you are young Christian, but now that I'm an adult, now that I've grown in the Lord. It's time I start doing things. It's doesn't change that God is charge, but before I expected God to do all the work. I expected God to take care of everything. Now I need to faith that God will take care of me. I need to do things that show I'm thankful for what He has done.

So the failure that I am, is going to press on toward the goal God has called me to. I'm leaving the failures and focusing on my prize.

Uncommon packages or His plans are better.

As many of you know we are getting ready to go to Alaska. We decided that need a car with 4 wheel drive. So we made plans to sell our mazda 3. In fact, we were going to sell it to another couple in the band. But that's not what happened.

James had gotten a pass so we could be spend new years down in Tampa seeing my friend Jason. Along the way about 30 miles from our exit. I lost control of the mazda. I over corrected and it sent us spinning. We hit the guard rail in the middle. After all things were said and done. We didn't hit anyone else. We were out a car, set of jumper cables and apples to apples. We gather everything we can find and decided that is important to find in the car. They take it way. Jason comes to get us and we head to his cousin's house. James and I had gotten a hotel, but they insisted we stay there with them so we did. That weekend was a great way to start the new year. It has been a long time since I felt and overflow of blessings. Jason has the sweetest family I have ever meet. We ended up needing to stay an extra day and that wasn't a problem.

Before leaving on trip, James had sat down to change the coverage on the car. It being paid off we no longer needed full coverage on it. James got to the website and decided this was too much trouble and could wait until we got back from seeing Jason.

So the insurance company has to pay us almost full value of the car. We ended up with almost $12,000 which is more than we would sell it for it. We went car shopping and found a car we wanted. We talked them down to $22,00o for the car and put a $12,000 down payment on the car, so it's more than half paid off right now.

So blessing come in uncommon packages. I'm sure that even if we hadn't off been in an accident on the way there, Jason's family would have still been wonderful, but they were felt twice of wonderful because of the accident. So blessing don't come in pretty packages, sometimes they come in car accidents. I also feel like God said, "You have good plans, I'm glad you plan and think, but mine are better.

It's all in the plans

He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Psalm 147:4 (ESV)

God spent time creating everything. I'm pretty sure, He had it all planned out before hand. He took the time to count the stars. God knows how many stars are in the sky. Stop and think about that for a second. God can tell you how many stars probably just as quickly as a teacher can tell you how many students are in her class. This is a huge number and God knows it, most likely off the top of his head too. Now look at the rest of that verse: he gives to all of them their names. As He put them in their place he gave them a name. Other version says he calls them by name. Not only did He name, He remembers them and uses them. Just like a teacher who can tell you them name of all her students with very little thought, God can point to star and tell you its name. He took time to name the stars, this is something that seems unimportant. I can't think of a reason why the stars would even name the stars, but it was important to Him and He did it. What else has taken the time to invest in? What else was so important to Him that spent that much time on it? Try you and your life. God cares about the details.

You number and record my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle--are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8 (AMP)

He is the details. He even took the time to write them down. What you are doing and where you are going is so important that He took the time to write them down. Just like the stars, He took the time to count and record the events in your life. Nothing that you do is meaningless. People don't write down things that don't have purpose. You are so important to God that He took the time to count and record your events. It's funny, we don't even take the time to record our wanderings, yet God already has. It's in His book, I would even guess that He reads this book. You are so important to Him that he collects your tears and then writes about them. His tears matter to you. People only take the time to collect things that they think has value. Your tears have value to Him. I'm not sure what that value is, but I can tell you they matter to Him enough that He bottles them. Tears come in all kinds of setting people cry when they are sad, mad and even happy. It doesn't matter what kind they are He has them in bottle. He writes about them too.

The next time you begin to worry about something, remember He already has it written down. He knows what is going to happen. If you start cry remember, He's got bottle and for some reason He is saving those tears, He's adding them to His collection. They are important to Him.