I've heard comments like "There's a lot of drama on Facebook," "It's just for people to whine about how awful their life is," or "It's just a place to waste time." I, however, feel that this is very untrue. Facebook is what you make you make of it. Sure, I admit I waste a lot of time on Facebook. There is pretty much no drama on my Facebook. How is this possible? First of all in real life I'm not friends with those drama queens, negative Nancy, and you must pay all attention to me, so there is an absent of these in my news feed. Also, I don't follow all 367 of my friends. There are just some people I don't see them everyday and they didn't have this huge impact on my life or all the post is sharing stupid things and don't really have status updates they aren't in my news feed. Now there are people who aren't in my life and every once in a while, I check out their page and make sure their life is going well. Now I don't what you think my news feed is full of roses and sunshine it isn't. I've had friend announce their divorce, their husband's deployment, their miscarriages, and their needs as they struggle with depression. This is life. As long as we are on this side of heaven, it will be messy, broken and ugly. I also got to take part in weddings, births and other excitement.
It comes down to this, Facebook is what you make of it. I can't see your news feed and unless we have the same friends, I don't see what you see. You don't have to follow all your friends. Unfollow those drama queens and negative Nancys. Stop by their page every once and while, but don't let them fill your news feed.
I try to be uplifting. In real life when I get to be face to face with you, I try to be uplifting and encouraging. So that's how I try to be on Facebook. I'm not a new age type person, I don't really believe in Karma, but I do believe you get back what you put into things. If you throw out a bunch of negative thoughts and are just jaded and upset all the time that's what you'll get back. Pretend to be happy and that things are good and you might change your mind about things.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Do I rob them?
I spent much of the past weekend with my husband’s cousins who have small children and watching them. A thought had started to creep into my mind. That I am robbing our parents of some great years of being grandparents. Now we don’t know the age of the children we will receive but they will probably be a little older. I do feel like I am robbing our parents of some on the most precious and sweet years in a child’s years. They will not experience stories, pictures or videos of first. There is so much that will not get to experience with our children because they will already be passed. I realize that a choice we made has rob them of many things that makes being a grandparent such a wonderful experience, there will be no birth announcements, no pictures of a swelling belly, no new little life to hold, no rolling over to watch, no first steps to wait for, no first words, and a good chance of no first day of kindergarten. For this I am sorry. I’m sorry that they will not have the moments. I’m sorry that I’ve rob them of some very sweet things. So do we change our minds, and not rob our parents? Or do we rob and maybe give someone else something better?
However on the other side of all this, we are giving much more. We are giving a child a home with a loving family. We are giving a child something they may have given hope for receiving something they may have given up on ever having. We have the chance of removing a child from place that is very dark. We have the chance of healing wounds caused by other people. We have the chance of breaking a link in a very destructive chain. Most of all we give hope and the kind of hope that Christ has given to me. Hope that things can change and things can better.
In the end they still get to be grandparents. They aren’t robbed entirely of the joys of the grandparent life. They may still get a few first. The firsts the get to experience maybe even better. That first moment when a child realizes how much better this life is going be. The first moment of realizing they are now safe. When making choices, I think we need to look at the cost. It will cost our family some very sweet moments, we are sacrificing some great gifts. When looking at what will be gained, we have no idea how much good we'll bring in this life into our family will do. We have no idea how people will change or respond. In comparison, the things that are lost are nothing compared to the things that might be gained. Isn’t this what Christ did for us? Didn’t he sacrifice much, to gain more? Aren’t we called to be like Christ? Shouldn’t we sacrifice much, to gain even more?
Yes, I will choice to rob our parents to give something bigger and better to someone else.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27
However on the other side of all this, we are giving much more. We are giving a child a home with a loving family. We are giving a child something they may have given hope for receiving something they may have given up on ever having. We have the chance of removing a child from place that is very dark. We have the chance of healing wounds caused by other people. We have the chance of breaking a link in a very destructive chain. Most of all we give hope and the kind of hope that Christ has given to me. Hope that things can change and things can better.
In the end they still get to be grandparents. They aren’t robbed entirely of the joys of the grandparent life. They may still get a few first. The firsts the get to experience maybe even better. That first moment when a child realizes how much better this life is going be. The first moment of realizing they are now safe. When making choices, I think we need to look at the cost. It will cost our family some very sweet moments, we are sacrificing some great gifts. When looking at what will be gained, we have no idea how much good we'll bring in this life into our family will do. We have no idea how people will change or respond. In comparison, the things that are lost are nothing compared to the things that might be gained. Isn’t this what Christ did for us? Didn’t he sacrifice much, to gain more? Aren’t we called to be like Christ? Shouldn’t we sacrifice much, to gain even more?
Yes, I will choice to rob our parents to give something bigger and better to someone else.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Why I hate Alaska...
While doing Project Barnabas, I met a guy who getting stationed at JBER, which is the base down in Anchorage. He and I spent a lot of time talking about Alaska. I did my best to talk it up and make it sound great. However, being an easy person to read, on the last night he asked what my real opinion of Alaska was. I put it like this: So high school was like the 4 worst years of life, I have never been so miserable in life ever, and will never go back to reunion. If I was given the choice to go back to high or live in Alaska for another 3 years, I would choice high school.
It's very simple. I'm not completely over my depression. Under normal circumstances, it is under control and doesn't effect me. However, Alaska isn't normal. Also, I knew that I had SAD, seasonal affective disorder, the loss of sunlight in the winter in Phoenix, had an effect on me. It was harder to get out bed, and the depression got worse too. In Phoenix, we probably lost 2 hours of daylight at the most. For those of you living outside of Alaska and have no idea how it isn't normal, let me explain the winter to you. It starts snowing at the end of September, it doesn't stick until October. We get a good 2-3 feet of snow that doesn't go anywhere until about mid April, if stops snowing in April. After June 23 we start losing daylight until Dec 2. Now when the sun is setting at 1am and raising at 3am, you don't really notice the lose of daylight, but come September, it's start to look like a normal day, and then you continue to lose daylight. The best way to describe it like this come November until about February, if I don't have recess duty, I didn't get to feel sunlight on my skin, and when I was going outside I was wearing so much stuff, I didn't really get to feel the sun on my skin. It was also extremely cold. Especially coming from Phoenix, Fairbanks doesn't see many day above 0. It is dark, cold, and there is snow on the ground from October until April. This is hard to deal with. After my first winter I came to this conclusion: 1.) You must be really broken to live in Alaska or 2.) I'm too broken to be living in Alaska. I'm pretty sure it's more 2.) now that I've done 3 winters.
Now I don't want to think that Alaska had been awful and the last three years have been unbearable for me. It has had some good moments. God has taught me a lot about Him, and myself. Things I couldn't learn in a normal place that doesn't have such extremes. I've gotten to meet a lot of wonderful people here. I've made heaven a little sweeter and bigger reunion party. I was able to regain my love for teaching and realized that I'm not the awful teacher my first two principals tried to tell I was. I was doing it right by loving my students as much as I do, and that wasn't mistake or the wrong way to do it. I learned to paint, and started dancing. I started taking an active role in the women's ministry and started on the road to what good has called me to do with that.
If we come back what would I do differently? First off we would buy a sunlight. Second, I would talk with my doctor about drug therapy for it, taking vitamin D wasn't enough. Third, if these things didn't help, I would tell James much sooner.
It's very simple. I'm not completely over my depression. Under normal circumstances, it is under control and doesn't effect me. However, Alaska isn't normal. Also, I knew that I had SAD, seasonal affective disorder, the loss of sunlight in the winter in Phoenix, had an effect on me. It was harder to get out bed, and the depression got worse too. In Phoenix, we probably lost 2 hours of daylight at the most. For those of you living outside of Alaska and have no idea how it isn't normal, let me explain the winter to you. It starts snowing at the end of September, it doesn't stick until October. We get a good 2-3 feet of snow that doesn't go anywhere until about mid April, if stops snowing in April. After June 23 we start losing daylight until Dec 2. Now when the sun is setting at 1am and raising at 3am, you don't really notice the lose of daylight, but come September, it's start to look like a normal day, and then you continue to lose daylight. The best way to describe it like this come November until about February, if I don't have recess duty, I didn't get to feel sunlight on my skin, and when I was going outside I was wearing so much stuff, I didn't really get to feel the sun on my skin. It was also extremely cold. Especially coming from Phoenix, Fairbanks doesn't see many day above 0. It is dark, cold, and there is snow on the ground from October until April. This is hard to deal with. After my first winter I came to this conclusion: 1.) You must be really broken to live in Alaska or 2.) I'm too broken to be living in Alaska. I'm pretty sure it's more 2.) now that I've done 3 winters.
Now I don't want to think that Alaska had been awful and the last three years have been unbearable for me. It has had some good moments. God has taught me a lot about Him, and myself. Things I couldn't learn in a normal place that doesn't have such extremes. I've gotten to meet a lot of wonderful people here. I've made heaven a little sweeter and bigger reunion party. I was able to regain my love for teaching and realized that I'm not the awful teacher my first two principals tried to tell I was. I was doing it right by loving my students as much as I do, and that wasn't mistake or the wrong way to do it. I learned to paint, and started dancing. I started taking an active role in the women's ministry and started on the road to what good has called me to do with that.
If we come back what would I do differently? First off we would buy a sunlight. Second, I would talk with my doctor about drug therapy for it, taking vitamin D wasn't enough. Third, if these things didn't help, I would tell James much sooner.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Why I couldn't go to church.
After spending 6 weeks with Amor, I came back and went to church for 2 weeks and I haven't been back. It's not because I got so use to not going to church while with Amor, going to church started to feel weird. No it's a little deeper than that. There are 3 parts to why I couldn't go to church.
Those first 2 Sundays back, my church made a plea for people to work Sunday school, and in the nursery. One the surface there's really nothing wrong with this. However, it seems lately the church is always looking for someone to fill some space. I realize this is a common problem with all churches. Our church has over 600 people who attend regularly. So it's not like we are lacking in the people to do these things. I couldn't listen to this plea one more time. I had started to get a feeling very similar to what cause Jesus to toss table in the temple. I had just spent 6 weeks in a culture where you serve, that's just what you do. Also, just about everyone who was there made a sacrifice to be there. I sacrificed my job, and I wasn't the only one. I couldn't understand why 30 people couldn't volunteer to serve. I know that most people in the room were thinking somebody else will do it. Well, you need to stop and realize that someone isn't doing it. If I had to sit through one more service and hear them asks for workers, I would definitely walk out of the service, or I might start flipping tables. I very much wanted to stand up that second Sunday, and say something like this, "Do you not understand what Christ did for you? Christ sacrificed everything, died on a cross, and this is an awful death, so that you could have a place in heaven. I haven't been to hell or heaven but from my understand he did something that you can't even grasp how wonderful it is. One of things Jesus said was to take care of each and to te
ach the next generation. I don't think he is asking for a whole lot out of us. So why they have to plead for 2 months for workers is beyond me. If everyone in this room truly understood what Christ did, they would have to turn workers away." I have this saying "Great love compels the one being loved to action."
Another thing that was happening is I was running into friends and they would ask how my trip was and then they would say, "I would love to hear more about your trip." I really love talking about Amor. If you and I have talked about Amor you know this, if you haven't heard me talk about Amor you are in for a treat. So later in the week, I would text or facebook these people and ask them when they wanted to get together. I got pretty much the same response, "I'm busy." If you didn't mean in why did you say it. I think that is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone who has returned from a short term mission trip, pretend to be interested. It break my heart. I had an amazing trip and I want to share it with everyone who wants to take part in my trip. The next time someone comes home from a short term mission trip, if you aren't going to make the effort please don't tell them you want to hear more. I realize that somethings you may not have interest in, but you can guide the conversation. I love chatting with Kathy and Diane cause I got to tell stories and just share. I also enjoyed chatting with Chris. He asked question about what he wanted to know. The question Chris asked didn't necessary pertain to the trip I just went on. He wanted to know about the house building process, I could have answer his question before I left for 6 weeks, but he took interest.
The last part, I'll admit is probably the lamest of all, but it factor in. Everybody who is military can relate on some level. We are leaving. Our time in Alaska is coming to end. Most of these people I will probably never see on this side of heaven again. I have started to check out.
So there you have it.
Those first 2 Sundays back, my church made a plea for people to work Sunday school, and in the nursery. One the surface there's really nothing wrong with this. However, it seems lately the church is always looking for someone to fill some space. I realize this is a common problem with all churches. Our church has over 600 people who attend regularly. So it's not like we are lacking in the people to do these things. I couldn't listen to this plea one more time. I had started to get a feeling very similar to what cause Jesus to toss table in the temple. I had just spent 6 weeks in a culture where you serve, that's just what you do. Also, just about everyone who was there made a sacrifice to be there. I sacrificed my job, and I wasn't the only one. I couldn't understand why 30 people couldn't volunteer to serve. I know that most people in the room were thinking somebody else will do it. Well, you need to stop and realize that someone isn't doing it. If I had to sit through one more service and hear them asks for workers, I would definitely walk out of the service, or I might start flipping tables. I very much wanted to stand up that second Sunday, and say something like this, "Do you not understand what Christ did for you? Christ sacrificed everything, died on a cross, and this is an awful death, so that you could have a place in heaven. I haven't been to hell or heaven but from my understand he did something that you can't even grasp how wonderful it is. One of things Jesus said was to take care of each and to te
ach the next generation. I don't think he is asking for a whole lot out of us. So why they have to plead for 2 months for workers is beyond me. If everyone in this room truly understood what Christ did, they would have to turn workers away." I have this saying "Great love compels the one being loved to action."
Another thing that was happening is I was running into friends and they would ask how my trip was and then they would say, "I would love to hear more about your trip." I really love talking about Amor. If you and I have talked about Amor you know this, if you haven't heard me talk about Amor you are in for a treat. So later in the week, I would text or facebook these people and ask them when they wanted to get together. I got pretty much the same response, "I'm busy." If you didn't mean in why did you say it. I think that is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone who has returned from a short term mission trip, pretend to be interested. It break my heart. I had an amazing trip and I want to share it with everyone who wants to take part in my trip. The next time someone comes home from a short term mission trip, if you aren't going to make the effort please don't tell them you want to hear more. I realize that somethings you may not have interest in, but you can guide the conversation. I love chatting with Kathy and Diane cause I got to tell stories and just share. I also enjoyed chatting with Chris. He asked question about what he wanted to know. The question Chris asked didn't necessary pertain to the trip I just went on. He wanted to know about the house building process, I could have answer his question before I left for 6 weeks, but he took interest.
The last part, I'll admit is probably the lamest of all, but it factor in. Everybody who is military can relate on some level. We are leaving. Our time in Alaska is coming to end. Most of these people I will probably never see on this side of heaven again. I have started to check out.
So there you have it.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Why I spent 6 weeks in Mexico.
Some of you know and understand how I arrived at spending 6 weeks in Mexico. There's a little more than what I've told. When I was asked how I got to a place where I felt I should quit my job and spend 6 weeks in Mexico this is often the story I told.
In July the book club I'm in a part of read Gayla's book Disrupted. After reading stories about building house, and about Chelsea, Jon, Steve and Amy, what I wanted was to go back and Barnabas. So I told James, I needed to Barnabas. His response, "Will one week be enough?" It will have be as that what is I can do. Dorothy later talked in to using some of my personal time and taking 2 weeks. James's response once again, "Will 2 weeks be enough?" It will have to be. As the school year started, the new high school math teacher wasn't a Christian at all. Her and I had an incident, and she proceed to slander me. It was hard to believe the way I was being treated by another "Christian". After making my life miserable for weeks on end she moved on to Dorothy. It was hard watching the same thing happen to Dorothy. By this time, it was aware that this is how she worked and there was some damage control done. She often threw fits and just did things that made the rest us feel not included and not worthy of working with her. I was coming home emotional frazzled. The women James was dealing with at home was not his wife. Then one day I used the word apathetic. This is not a word that James's wife uses. According to James, Michelle is full of feeling and thoughts, and when she has become void of feeling something is really wrong. This was James's neon sign that something had to change. He told me, I need to quit. I didn't make enough money to be treated like this. After talking about this a few more times, I asked him, what do I do from Jan until July. Without pausing to think James said spend the spring season with Amor doing Barnabas. I've never got to spend the whole spring season with Amor. I've done 2-3 weeks but that's about it. However, right before Christmas break, she was asked to resign, which she did. We get back from Christmas break, and I'm talking with our teacher's aid. She tells me that she is worried that she might lose her job, if we replace the Math teacher because the school isn't making enough to make payroll. As I think about this, this doesn't seem right. I'm leaving in July, I can't work there next year, why fire the person who can work there, especially when there is someone on staff, who can't work there next year. I talked with the principal, she told me no one would get fire, that they could make payroll if everyone paid. However, if someone wanted to leave and do other things, it would relieve some finical stress. So Iresign, so I could get fired
However there is more to story than that. That's the surface story and it's great. I had battle with spiritual cancer. The winters have been hard on me. Even before the school year started things were a struggle. There's this story about how everyone has 2 dogs that follow them. A black dog of depression and a white dog of happiness and joy. The dog that wins is the dog you feed. Now I'll admit, I wasn't feeding the black dog, but when my surroundings put down food for the black dog, I didn't chase it off, I didn't take the food away. So even before school started this year the black dog wasn't weak and feeble and near death, he was starting to get his strength back. Then the mess with the new high school teacher happened. The black dog was getting more food. I admit I wasn't feeding it, but I also wasn't stopping it from eating. I know full well that I will probably always battle depression. I know what feeds it, I also know how to control it better know. I wasn't doing anything to counter act it. Even though God, and I have spent time putting me back together, and making the women he needs me to be for Him. Even though my identity is secure in Him, I know it's possible to return that broken Michelle. I also know that's not where I want to be. As I realized what happening, I need to do something. Things with James and I weren't going well either, we were both unhappy with the road I was traveling down. My not caring was having effect on him, and I wasn't happy with him. It wasn't that I was running away, it was that I needed to be somewhere, the black dog doesn't get fed. Somewhere the black dog is ignored. Somewhere, that I'm reminded who I am. That I am a child of the one True King. I need to return to me. My spiritual and mental health need to be restored. The best place to do that, is the place where it all started.
In July the book club I'm in a part of read Gayla's book Disrupted. After reading stories about building house, and about Chelsea, Jon, Steve and Amy, what I wanted was to go back and Barnabas. So I told James, I needed to Barnabas. His response, "Will one week be enough?" It will have be as that what is I can do. Dorothy later talked in to using some of my personal time and taking 2 weeks. James's response once again, "Will 2 weeks be enough?" It will have to be. As the school year started, the new high school math teacher wasn't a Christian at all. Her and I had an incident, and she proceed to slander me. It was hard to believe the way I was being treated by another "Christian". After making my life miserable for weeks on end she moved on to Dorothy. It was hard watching the same thing happen to Dorothy. By this time, it was aware that this is how she worked and there was some damage control done. She often threw fits and just did things that made the rest us feel not included and not worthy of working with her. I was coming home emotional frazzled. The women James was dealing with at home was not his wife. Then one day I used the word apathetic. This is not a word that James's wife uses. According to James, Michelle is full of feeling and thoughts, and when she has become void of feeling something is really wrong. This was James's neon sign that something had to change. He told me, I need to quit. I didn't make enough money to be treated like this. After talking about this a few more times, I asked him, what do I do from Jan until July. Without pausing to think James said spend the spring season with Amor doing Barnabas. I've never got to spend the whole spring season with Amor. I've done 2-3 weeks but that's about it. However, right before Christmas break, she was asked to resign, which she did. We get back from Christmas break, and I'm talking with our teacher's aid. She tells me that she is worried that she might lose her job, if we replace the Math teacher because the school isn't making enough to make payroll. As I think about this, this doesn't seem right. I'm leaving in July, I can't work there next year, why fire the person who can work there, especially when there is someone on staff, who can't work there next year. I talked with the principal, she told me no one would get fire, that they could make payroll if everyone paid. However, if someone wanted to leave and do other things, it would relieve some finical stress. So Iresign, so I could get fired
However there is more to story than that. That's the surface story and it's great. I had battle with spiritual cancer. The winters have been hard on me. Even before the school year started things were a struggle. There's this story about how everyone has 2 dogs that follow them. A black dog of depression and a white dog of happiness and joy. The dog that wins is the dog you feed. Now I'll admit, I wasn't feeding the black dog, but when my surroundings put down food for the black dog, I didn't chase it off, I didn't take the food away. So even before school started this year the black dog wasn't weak and feeble and near death, he was starting to get his strength back. Then the mess with the new high school teacher happened. The black dog was getting more food. I admit I wasn't feeding it, but I also wasn't stopping it from eating. I know full well that I will probably always battle depression. I know what feeds it, I also know how to control it better know. I wasn't doing anything to counter act it. Even though God, and I have spent time putting me back together, and making the women he needs me to be for Him. Even though my identity is secure in Him, I know it's possible to return that broken Michelle. I also know that's not where I want to be. As I realized what happening, I need to do something. Things with James and I weren't going well either, we were both unhappy with the road I was traveling down. My not caring was having effect on him, and I wasn't happy with him. It wasn't that I was running away, it was that I needed to be somewhere, the black dog doesn't get fed. Somewhere the black dog is ignored. Somewhere, that I'm reminded who I am. That I am a child of the one True King. I need to return to me. My spiritual and mental health need to be restored. The best place to do that, is the place where it all started.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Why are we adopting?
James and I feel that when we get to our next duty station, it's time to add to our family. After much thought and some praying and talking, we are going to adopt our children. We are still planning on 2. I've been asked why a lot lately and it comes to this. It doesn't matter that we could probably have our own. The way James and I see is there are lots of children out there, without loving parents. In fact, there are too many children in our foster system because the parents they have can't raise for whatever reason. I think one of the greatest reasons that has come to mind about this decision is that God has adopted us. God has brought us into His family, we need to strive to be like him. I've been doing research, and I've found that because we are military we have extra hoops to jump, but I have faith that my God has gone before and He stands beside, those extra hoops are obstacles, they are boxes that we need checked. God has already figure this out. I'm standing on the promises in Deut. 31:8, The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. I've been standing on this verse since I found it just before James and I got married, and I've seen him the work He does ahead of me. I think being Alaska, has shown me just how much ahead He has come. Also we have been commanded to take care of the orphaned, and think this is very real and tangible way to put that into action. James and I will be looking for a young child about 2-5, that's in the system, and their parents' rights have already been taken away. We want it to be a closed adoption, but if possible know who the parents and why their rights were taken away. We are also aware that God may have other plans, and we will keep our eyes open for those. God knows I like neon signs and that if something comes up that seems easier than our plans, I'll take that as His plans, and quickly switch to that. Pray for us to be quick to action, we have things we need to do, pray for the child and her parents. Pray that James, the social workers, lawyers, agencies workers, judges, and I all have wisdom.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Paradigm shifting.
Definition of PARADIGM
2: an example of a conjugation or declension showing a word in all its inflectional forms
3:
a philosophical and theoretical framework of a scientific school or
discipline within which theories, laws, and generalizations and the
experiments performed in support of them are formulated; broadly : a philosophical or theoretical framework of any kind
It's how you view the world. So what happens when it shifts? What happens when it starts to change? Really it depends on who is doing the shifting. I do my best not to the let the world shift my paradigm. I try to look at the world through a Christian paradigm. So what do you do when God is the one shifting the paradigm?
This is what I've been going through lately. God has used this summer to change my paradigm on a few things. He, however, didn't ask if this who I wanted to spend my summer. Especially shifting these paradigms. Of course, I'll admit that if He would have asked me my thoughts on changing these paradigms, I would have told Him that I'm perfectly happy with my views and can't we have a nice relaxing summer with no friction. That maybe why I wasn't asked.
On shift of paradigm, I'll admit I probably walked right into on my own accord and didn't realize it until it was too late. I was the one who chose to study Esther. Although I could argue that it through the promoting of the Spirit, I started listen to Tony Evan's podcast. Tony Evan's had said in one of his podcast that the name of God wasn't in the book of Esther. How could this not intrigue me, God knew the minute I head something like that I would look to investigate it. So, maybe He did lead me to it. You could argue that I didn't have to follow. Anyways let's leave that rabbit and get back to the shift in my paradigm. I had this firm belief that if God was silent, it was your fault. God doesn't move, we do. Well, not so much anymore. I already have this deep supernatural connection to God through his spirit. It doesn't matter what I do, I feel close to God, I know He is there whether I remember to have a quiet time or not. One day, I noticed a lack in the Spirit department. This was hard on me. I quickly spent days thinking about what I could have done to move. The more I thought the more I realized I didn't move. Of course about a day or 2 before I notice the absent Spirit, I was watching a Beth Moore session on her Esther study and she talked about how she had the Spirit left and she felt like she was going to die, and then when He came back it just overwhelmed. Upon hearing this, my thought, "Thank God, you have never done anything like that to me, I would die if you did something like that to me." I had a response come from within my heart, "You wouldn't die." "Well, ok, I wouldn't die, but I go back to the depression mess I was before I really found in Korea." I thought. Response from my heart, "Are you sure?" "Well, I'd become a mess and wouldn't know what to do at the very least." I responded. "Are you sure?" Well, I can tell you I didn't die, and I didn't become a depression mess either. I did keep plugging on and then I started begging Him to come back. Right before I was about to become a mess, I tripped and found God in a new way. I learned the importance of a silent. The things He showed after being so desperate from Him was amazing. He made Himself silent, so He could truly whisper and I would hear. So the next time it feels like God moved, maybe he didn't, maybe he went silent to get your attention. I can tell my spirit is better align with His now.
So now on to the other paradigm shifting. God has been working on my view and thoughts on what church is to me. We've been attending a rather large church for the past 2 years. The people are nice and friendly. They are areas for both James and I to serve. Pastor Eric is insightful and shines the light on the Scripture so well. So what could be wrong? I don't feel like I belong. I can honestly say I have no real deep connection to this church. I have maybe 3 people I feel really connected to. For me, this really hard to deal with. Church is where I go to feel like I belong and connected to people. Back in high school, when I started this whole church thing, it was most of the appeal to it. These people liked me, included and were all around great people. Nothing like high school. For me, those four years weren't the greatest years of life, they were awful miserable and a lot like Chinese water torture. That's a lot like how I was feeling at church minus the Chinese water torture. I was highly confuse and upset that God would lead us to place that would be so like high school for me. I became to demand and explanation to this. See, I was listening to Rick Warren, and he had said that if you are unhappy and have complaints God really does want to hear them. He wants you to take his complaints to him. So that's what did. At first I got nothing. I really need to understand why I was at church I didn't belong. He started responding with things like. This is where I want you to serve. This where you will be useful. This is where I want to be. Only until recently I got a little more on this shifting paradigm. Church isn't about you and what you need out of it. It's about God and how I can serve and glorify him. Even though I don't really want to admit this, church was about me and what I could get out of it. The church was there to serve me and my needs. Then I began to wonder why for the past 15 years He let me have this view that it was about me belonging. God made a valid argument. How else was He suppose to get me into this relationship without appealing to one of my greatest needs at the time. I was so insecure and unsure about everything at that point in my life, how else was I suppose to meet the only one out there could fix everything and be what I needed without appealing to my greatest need. Now that myself image is ground Christ, now that my self worth comes from Christ. I have my phone refer to me as Child of the One True King, that's how much I identify myself with the image of me in Christ. Shouldn't He start changing things about how I look things to better suit who I am in Him.
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