Why I think the Oregon Bakers are wrong.

One of the things that has been in the news a lot lately is the bakers in Oregon who refused to bake a wedding cake for a same sex wedding. Most people are up in arms and think they are being mistreated by the government for being Christian. That may be possible, but I think they made some very simple mistakes and were irresponsible. So here are three simple points about why I think they are in the wrong.

First off, Paul writes very clearly that we should be good law following citizens. This means that we should be following the laws that are in place. If the law says you should only drive 70mph down the I-95, the fastest you should drive on the I-95 is 70. If the laws says that you should be in bed and asleep by 10pm, guess where you should be at 10pm. If the law says you shouldn't refuse service to anyone for any reason, you probably shouldn't turn people away. In order to be a good law following citizen, we must then know what the laws are. I find that being unaware of what the laws are is irresponsible. Now should we follow the law blindly, No. However we do need to be aware of the laws and know what they are. So saying we had no idea about the law is failing on their part.

Now secondly, if you choice to say the law is conflicting with what my religion teaches me, you should be prepared to face the consequences. We see two good examples of this in Daniel. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego decided not to the follow the law and were throw into the furnace. They didn't whine and cry about. They didn't say that the government was being harsh. They faced the consequence and hoped for the best. Daniel also when through the same thing. Daniel refused to follow the law and was thrown in the lion's den. The king had more issues with this than Daniel did. Daniel didn't get on facebook and update his status to say something along the lines of that King is awful, and I don't understand why I am being thrown into the lion's den. I'm just doing what my religion teaches me how dare he follow the laws and punish me in the fashion the laws says it will. Daniel went into the lion's den and hoped for the best. These 2 stories teach that it is ok not to follow the law when the law of the land conflicts with God's laws, however be prepared to suffer the consequence. A few years ago, I went to India on a mission trip. In order to get a visa into India part of the application has you sign that you will not be spreading the Christian Gospel while there. I was going on a mission trip but I signed it anyway. It also that if I was caught doing this I would get sent back to my country of origin. At the time of this trip, I was living in Korea, my life, my job, and my money were in Korea, not the USA. If I got caught, I would have been sent back to the USA. I had brought enough money with me so that if I did get sent back to the USA, I could buy a plane ticket back to Korea. I was aware of the law, and prepared to pay the consequences. If you choice to say I can't follow the law because of my religion you need to be prepared to pay the consequences. These bakers aren't prepared for the consequences.

Lastly, we are suppose to look at Christ as our example. When we interact with people, we should look at how Christ did it. Christ didn't turn anyone away. Everyone that came to Christ go what they were asking for. He didn't look at anyone and say, "Sorry you've made bad life choices and I can't heal." He didn't look at the guy who lowered down through the hole in the roof and say, "I know your friends just put a hole in someone's ceiling, but you are sinning so greatly, I can't do anything for you." After everyone left the one caught in adultery and pick up a stone. If Christ turned no one away then we should turn no one.

So these bakers made the wrong choices. 

My pregnancy

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have announced that I was pregnant. One reason is that everyone in the world now thinks that it is their "right" to give me advice. The only thing worse than being pregnant and high school is unsolicited advice. Most people will say that it comes out of love. As someone who is told regularly that I love and care too much, I don't give unsolicited advice. This reason is for this is because I can't fully understand another person, I don't know all they have done or tried. Also the place where most unsolicited advice comes from a place where the advice giver thinks that they know more and know better. I'm very much against pushing things on people and that is what unsolicited advice is. I don't push my thoughts views, opinions and advice on you, so why should you do it to me.

I've had it confirmed by other women being pregnant isn't always wonderful. I've had someone tell it's not their favorite. Being pregnant is very overrated especially in the beginning. I know. I've spent the last 10 weeks waking up half an hour early so that I puke before I start day. This really sucks and gets old real quick. I get drained of energy real quick. There is nothing tangible about what is going on the inside. There is nothing tangible about the life inside which makes it hard to think about it. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you haven't experienced it. If we are being real and honest, there times are when being pregnant are just awful and miserable.

Something that makes being pregnant harder is when it is something you didn't want. I didn't marry James and think oh now I get pregnant. I honestly never wanted to put myself through something uncomfortable, miserable and painful. I make choices all the time to avoid things that cause this to me. I have never dream of the day when I would a full term pregnancy. It wasn't what I wanted for my life.

I know very well that this is blessing. I still have joy. I am honest with how feel about things, and I think that sugar coating is wrong. I think that telling people how they should feel or respond to things is also wrong especially if you don't know everything. I've seen God shower blessing on people and they couldn't be happy because of their life situations, however I've seen them still have joy.

I will not being posting anything about my pregnancy from here on out. If you want to know you'll have to ask me.

Why I'm not a Christian.

I've quit professing that I'm a Christian. I will say things like I have a relation ship with Christ or I follow  Christ, but I'm not a Christian. The thing is that this word has started to mean something I don't like, or that it should. Some how being Christian has come to mean that you can now mistreat, you can no longer care about human rights, and we can judge and condemn. You can suddenly start doing things that lead to mistreating people and it should be ok and we should all stand behind because you are Christian.

This isn't Christ. I remember lots of people coming to Christ. I don't remember him turning people away. He never said to Mary Magdalen, "Sorry, you've made poor life choices, I can't help you." Christ didn't say, "I know your friends just made a hole in someone else roof, but your gay and I can't heal you." Jesus spent time with people who were in the greatest sense a sinner, and never told them He couldn't help. If you are a "Christian", isn't this the example. I clearly remember Him saying he came in the world to save it, not to condemn. Where did we get the idea that we could condemn it?

It doesn't make sense that we have a clear example of love and serving, and somehow we think that in the name of religion we can mistreat others. What happened? I understand that we aren't suppose to ok with sinning. I'm pretty sure there is only person who never sinned. It isn't Christlike to turn people, it just isn't something he did. If we are going to say it's ok to turn away someone who is gay because they are gay, they we need to star turning people away who view porn, we need to start turning away people who've been divorced, we need to start turning away woman who've had an abortion.

Until being Christian is something more like what suppose be, something that reflects Christ, I'm not one.  

Handle with care

So of lately, I've noticed that I seem to be a little fragile. I can start crying with very little prompting. On the radio they will start talking about Christmas and how this Christmas might be hard on some people. That someone one may be missing around the tree. I cry. I go two days without any word from James and I cry. You look at me with too much empathy, and I cry. This not the picture perfect image of an army wife. I am fairly certain that he will come back to me, on time is in question, but he will be back.

One reason it is so hard to keep in together at time, I'm very aware of how much a blessing this man is to me. God has done 2 things for me that there is no way I could repay. I could be perfect, do every act of service, show love to everyone, and never sin again, and this 2 things would still out weigh what God has done for me. Number 1 and the most important is that He died on the cross for my sins. The next is that He gave James to be my husband.

One thing that I'm trying to say here is this: being an army wife during deployment sucks. He is gone and in harms way and you have to pick up everything and carry on. Not only do I have to remember the things I did for the running of our family, but I know have to remember the things he did too. It is almost like a having a cart that takes 2 people to move, and the other person is gone and you still have to move it. Sometimes others can come along and help, but they can't do everything. Like when the car battery died. I knew it needed to be replace before he left, but I was too busy trying to make those last few weeks special, that we didn't do. Then I go out to the car on day to dead car battery. This is one of those times when I can get on the phone and find someone help pull the 2 person cart for this job.

Things I don't need to hear right now are things like, you picked Stewart, you knew the band deployed there. You are right I picked Stewart, however it doesn't make the situation suck any less At least he isn't in harms way, it's not like he out shooting the other guys or out patrolling. Right, but he is still in the middle of war zone. My favorite, he is only going to be there for a little while, it could be worse he could have to be there for a year. How about we send your husband away to somewhere that contact will be sparse and one sided, for a little and see how you like.

It comes down to this I love James a lot. The only thing I love more than James is God. He is special to me, and I wouldn't want to live my life without him.

So when one of those things about happen what can you do. Let's start off by not looking at me with too much sympathy. If I'm standing there talking to you, I know you care. Next hug me. For me, you have no idea how much a hug warms me. Lastly remind that it will all be ok.

Why I can't be a feminist.

Emma Waston recently spoke about starting a campaign called He for She. That ugly word feminist came back. I find that what is going on and being asked to be done isn't really right. I don't think people truly understand the meaning of equal. I feel that asking for equality is bad thing mainly because it won't take into account the difference between women and men. I am not the same as my husband, I am different and I want those difference to be acknowledged and looked at. I would rather have justice. Justice looks at those difference but still makes sure that I am treated fair based on those difference.

Now first I want it to be understand I don't think women are weaker, and should hide behind men. Neither gender is better. However we are not the same and anybody who thinks that we are the same and should be treated the same is just wrong. To prove these difference let's start with my favorite place to look for differences, the Bible. In Ephesians 5, it talks about how wives should respect their husbands and husband should love their wives. Does this mean that wives don't need to love their husbands or husband don't have to respect their wives?  No way. You don't have to tell someone to do what they naturally do. Women have an easier time loving and show love, they need to be reminded about showing respect. Men need to be reminded to show love. We aren't the same. Another place that shows our differences is in the army pt standards and weight standards. If we truly the same and equal wouldn't these standards be the same, they wouldn't need a male chart and female chart, they would just have one. Women are allowed to have more body fat than men, simply because we are different.

Equality isn't a bad things, and there are some areas where men and women should be treated equally. A man should not receive more simply for being a man. Now if the man is more qualified and doing a better job than yes pay him more, but if qualifications and job quality are the same the pay should be the same. Justice and equality are different things. Equal is the last thing I want.  I came across this picture a few years ago that explains why equality isn't always a good things and shows why most often it isn't what we really. When the feminist start asking for justice and they realize that men and women are not the same and that it is harmful to treat us them, I'll become a feminist. What makes me different is too special, too important, and too wonderful to sacrifice.

It was the biggest lie I was ever told

When I was going through high school, I was constantly being told "These are the greatest years of  your life. These are the best years of your life." Honestly, I contribute these phrase to be a cause of my depression. High school is not the greatest years of life. They may be for some, and I feel sorry for those who that statement is true.

Your late twenties is when life starts to get good. At least it is for me. I lot of things happened to make this time in my life the best years. I have figured out who I am, and wear it so well. I'm comfortable with who I am. I am a little loud, a little crazy, and passionate. I'm a child of the One True King. I know this because that is what Siri calls me when I talk to her. I am me to the fullest. I'm pretty sure I'm a pretty awesome too. Another thing that makes being in this time of my life so great, is that for the most part, I spend my time around people who like me. I'm not forced to spend day after day with people who are stuck up and down right mean. Now when it comes to working every once in while I get that one person who doesn't like me. I limit my interaction with them. If my job doesn't have doing it than I don't. Now don't think I'm cold shoulder mean to them either. I smile and say hi and I am nice, but I don't spend 2 hours after school sitting in their classroom chatting with them. That's for sure. It comes down to this I like myself, I mean I really like myself. It's not this self obsessed kind of thing. I know that I'm not an awful person, so I spend time with people who feel the same as I do. You don't have think I'm all that, but there's a difference between people who like me and people who don't like me.

Another that makes my life so great is my husband. I'll admit it hasn't been rainbows and butterflies. It's been life. When the day is done and over, he loves me. I get to spend time a lot of time with him. I get to do things with him. Sure, he gets mad when I open my stupid mouth. We have our inside jokes, we flirt and play around. Even though I've gained 50 lbs. he still finds me attractive. Are we perfect? Far from it, but we made the choice to be married to each other.

My life is adventure. I can't tell you where I'll be in 5 years from now. I find this to be really great. I've gotten to live in lower AL, three years in AK, and now I am in coastal GA. I find this to be a great part of life.

Do your teenagers a favor, quick telling them they are in the best years of their life. They may not be there yet.

Why Facebook isn't evil

I've heard comments like "There's a lot of drama on Facebook," "It's just for people to whine about how awful their life is," or "It's just a place to waste time." I, however, feel that this is very untrue. Facebook is what you make you make of it. Sure, I admit I waste a lot of time on Facebook. There is pretty much no drama on my Facebook. How is this possible? First of all in real life I'm not friends with those drama queens, negative Nancy, and you must pay all attention to me, so there is an absent of these in my news feed. Also, I don't follow all 367 of my friends. There are just some people I don't see them everyday and they didn't have this huge impact on my life or all the post is sharing stupid things and don't really have status updates they aren't in my news feed. Now there are people who aren't in my life and every once in a while, I check out their page and make sure their life is going well. Now I don't what you think my news feed is full of roses and sunshine it isn't.  I've had friend announce their divorce, their husband's deployment, their miscarriages, and their needs as they struggle with depression. This is life. As long as we are on this side of heaven, it will be messy, broken and ugly. I also got to take part in weddings, births and other excitement.

It comes down to this, Facebook is what you make of it. I can't see your news feed and unless we have the same friends, I don't see what you see. You don't have to follow all your friends.  Unfollow those drama queens and negative Nancys. Stop by their page every once and while, but don't let them fill your news feed.

I try to be uplifting. In real life when I get to be face to face with you, I try to be uplifting and encouraging. So that's how I try to be on Facebook. I'm not a new age type person, I don't really believe in Karma, but I do believe you get back what you put into things. If you throw out a bunch of negative thoughts and are just jaded and upset  all the time that's what you'll get back. Pretend to be happy and that things are good and you might change your mind about things.

Do I rob them?

I spent much of the past weekend with my husband’s cousins who have small children and watching them. A thought had started to creep into my mind.  That I am robbing our parents of some great years of being grandparents. Now we don’t know the age of the children we will receive but they will probably be a little older. I do feel like I am robbing our parents of some on the most precious and sweet years in a child’s years. They will not experience stories, pictures or videos of first. There is so much that will not get to experience with our children because they will already be passed. I realize that a choice we made has rob them of many things that makes being a grandparent such a wonderful experience, there will be no birth announcements, no pictures of a swelling belly, no new little life to hold, no rolling over to watch, no first steps to wait for, no first words, and a good chance of no first day of kindergarten. For this I am sorry. I’m sorry that they will not have the moments. I’m sorry that I’ve rob them of some very sweet things. So do we change our minds, and not rob our parents? Or do we rob and maybe give someone else something better?

However on the other side of all this, we are giving much more. We are giving a child a home with a loving family. We are giving a child something they may have given hope for receiving something they may have given up on ever having. We have the chance of removing a child from place that is very dark. We have the chance of healing wounds caused by other people. We have the chance of breaking a link in a very destructive chain. Most of all we give hope and the kind of hope that Christ has given to me. Hope that things can change and things can better.

In the end they still get to be grandparents. They aren’t robbed entirely of the joys of the grandparent life. They may still get a few first. The firsts the get to experience maybe even better. That first moment when a child realizes how much better this life is going be. The first moment of realizing they are now safe. When making choices, I think we need to look at the cost. It will cost our family some very sweet moments, we are sacrificing  some great gifts. When looking at what will be gained, we have no idea how much good we'll bring in this life into our family will do. We have no idea how people will change or respond. In comparison, the things that are lost are nothing compared to the things that might be gained. Isn’t this what Christ did for us? Didn’t he sacrifice much, to gain more? Aren’t we called to be like Christ? Shouldn’t we sacrifice much, to gain even more?

Yes, I will choice to rob our parents to give something bigger and better to someone else.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Why I hate Alaska...

While doing Project Barnabas, I met a guy who getting stationed at JBER, which is the base down in Anchorage. He and I spent a lot of time talking about Alaska. I did my best to talk it up and make it sound great. However, being an easy person to read, on the last night he asked what my real opinion of Alaska was. I put it like this: So high school was like the 4 worst years of life, I have never been so miserable in life ever, and will never go back to reunion. If I was given the choice to go back to high or live in Alaska for another 3 years, I would choice high school.

It's very simple. I'm not completely over my depression. Under normal circumstances, it is under control and doesn't effect me. However, Alaska isn't normal. Also, I knew that I had SAD, seasonal affective disorder, the loss of sunlight in the winter in Phoenix, had an effect on me. It was harder to get out bed, and the depression got worse too. In Phoenix, we probably lost 2 hours of daylight at the most. For those of you living outside of Alaska and have no idea how it isn't normal, let me explain the winter to you. It starts snowing at the end of September, it doesn't stick until October. We get a good 2-3 feet of snow that doesn't go anywhere until about mid April, if stops snowing in April. After June 23 we start losing daylight until Dec 2. Now when the sun is setting at 1am and raising at 3am, you don't really notice the lose of daylight, but come September, it's start to look like a normal day, and then you continue to lose daylight. The best way to describe it like this come November until about February, if I don't have recess duty, I didn't get to feel sunlight on my skin, and when I was going outside I was wearing so much stuff, I didn't really get to feel the sun on my skin. It was also extremely cold. Especially coming from Phoenix, Fairbanks doesn't see many day above 0. It is dark, cold, and there is snow on the ground from October until April. This is hard to deal with. After my first winter I came to this conclusion: 1.) You must be really broken to live in Alaska or 2.) I'm too broken to be living in Alaska. I'm pretty sure it's more 2.) now that I've done 3 winters.

Now I don't want to think that Alaska had been awful and the last three years have been unbearable for me. It has had some good moments. God has taught me a lot about Him, and myself. Things I couldn't learn in a normal place that doesn't have such extremes. I've gotten to meet a lot of wonderful people here. I've made heaven a little sweeter and bigger reunion party. I was able to regain my love for teaching and realized that I'm not the awful teacher my first two principals tried to tell I was. I was doing it right by loving my students as much as I do, and that wasn't mistake or the wrong way to do it. I learned to paint, and started dancing. I started taking an active role in the women's ministry and started on the road to what good has called me to do with that.

If we come back what would I do differently? First off we would buy a sunlight. Second, I would talk with my doctor about drug therapy for it, taking vitamin D wasn't enough. Third, if these things didn't help, I would tell James much sooner.

Why I couldn't go to church.

After spending 6 weeks with Amor, I came back and went to church for 2 weeks and I haven't been back. It's not because I got so use to not going to church while with Amor, going to church started to feel weird. No it's a little deeper than that. There are 3 parts to why I couldn't go to church.

Those first 2 Sundays back, my church made a plea for people to work Sunday school, and in the nursery. One the surface there's really nothing wrong with this. However, it seems lately the church is always looking for someone to fill some space. I realize this is a common problem with all churches. Our church has over 600 people who attend regularly.  So it's not like we are lacking in the people to do these things. I couldn't listen to this plea one more time. I had started to get a feeling very similar to what cause Jesus to toss table in the temple. I had just spent 6 weeks in a culture where you serve, that's just what you do. Also, just about everyone who was there made a sacrifice to be there. I sacrificed my job, and I wasn't the only one. I couldn't understand why 30 people  couldn't volunteer to serve. I know that most people in the room were thinking somebody else will do it. Well, you need to stop and realize that someone isn't doing it. If I had to sit through one more service and hear them asks for workers, I would definitely walk out of the service, or I might start flipping tables. I very much wanted to stand up that second Sunday, and say something like this, "Do you not understand what Christ did for you? Christ sacrificed everything, died on a cross, and this is an awful death, so that you could have a place in heaven. I haven't been to hell or heaven but from my understand he did something that you can't even grasp how wonderful it is. One of things Jesus said was to take care of each and to te
ach the next generation. I don't think he is asking for a whole lot out of us. So why they have to plead for 2 months for workers is beyond me. If everyone in this room truly understood what Christ did, they would have to turn workers away." I have this saying "Great love compels the one being loved to action."

Another thing that was happening is I was running into friends and they would ask how my trip was and then they would say, "I would love to hear more about your trip." I really love talking about Amor. If you and I have talked about Amor you know this, if you haven't heard me talk about Amor you are in for a treat. So later in the week, I would text or facebook these people and ask them when they wanted to get together. I got pretty much the same response, "I'm busy." If you didn't mean in why did you say it. I think that is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone who has returned from a short term mission trip, pretend to be interested. It break my heart. I had an amazing trip and I want to share it with everyone who wants to take part in my trip. The next time someone comes home from a short term mission trip, if you aren't going to make the effort please don't tell them you want to hear more. I realize that somethings you may not have interest in, but you can guide the conversation. I love chatting with Kathy and Diane cause I got to tell stories and just share. I also enjoyed chatting with Chris. He asked question about what he wanted to know. The question Chris asked didn't necessary pertain to the trip I just went on. He wanted to know about the house building process, I could have answer his question before I left for 6 weeks, but he took interest.

The last part, I'll admit is probably the lamest of all, but it factor in. Everybody who is military can relate on  some level. We are leaving. Our time in Alaska is coming to end. Most of these people I will probably never see on this side of heaven again. I have started to check out.

So there you have it.

Why I spent 6 weeks in Mexico.

Some of you know and understand how I arrived at spending 6 weeks in Mexico. There's a little more than what I've told. When I was asked how I got to a place where I felt I should quit my job and spend 6 weeks in Mexico this is often the story I told.

In July the book club I'm in a part of read Gayla's book Disrupted. After reading stories about building house, and about Chelsea, Jon, Steve and Amy, what I wanted was to go back and Barnabas. So I told James, I needed to Barnabas. His response, "Will one week be enough?" It will have be as that what is I can do. Dorothy later talked in to using some of my personal time and taking 2 weeks. James's response once again, "Will 2 weeks be enough?" It will have to be. As the school year started, the new high school math teacher wasn't a Christian at all. Her and I had an incident, and she proceed to slander me. It was hard to believe the way I was being treated by another "Christian". After making my life miserable for weeks on end she moved on to Dorothy. It was hard watching the same thing happen to Dorothy. By this time, it was aware that this is how she worked and there was some damage control done. She often threw fits and just did things that made the rest us feel not included and not worthy of working with her. I was coming home emotional frazzled. The women James was dealing with at home was not his wife. Then one day I used the word apathetic. This is not a word that James's wife uses. According to James, Michelle is full of feeling and thoughts, and when she has become void of feeling something is really wrong. This was James's neon sign that something had to change. He told me, I need to quit. I didn't make enough money to be treated like this. After talking about this a few more times, I asked him, what do I do from Jan until July. Without pausing to think James said spend the spring season with Amor doing Barnabas. I've never got to spend the whole spring season with Amor. I've done 2-3 weeks but that's about it. However, right before Christmas break, she was asked to resign, which she did. We get back from Christmas break, and I'm talking with our teacher's aid. She tells me that she is worried that she might lose her job, if we replace the Math teacher because the school isn't making enough to make payroll. As I think about this, this doesn't seem right. I'm leaving in July, I can't work there next year, why fire the  person who can work there, especially when there is someone on staff, who can't work there next year. I talked with the principal, she told me no one would get fire, that they could make payroll if everyone paid. However, if someone wanted to leave and do other things, it would relieve some finical stress. So Iresign, so I could get fired

However there is more to story than that. That's the surface story and it's great. I had battle with spiritual cancer. The winters have been hard on me. Even before the school year started things were a struggle. There's this story about how everyone has 2 dogs that follow them. A black dog of depression and a white dog of happiness and joy. The dog that wins is the dog you feed. Now I'll admit, I wasn't feeding the black dog, but when my surroundings put down food for the black dog, I didn't chase it off, I didn't take the food away.  So even before school started this year the black dog wasn't weak and feeble and near death, he was starting to get his strength back. Then the mess with the new high school teacher happened. The black dog was getting more food. I admit I wasn't feeding it, but I also wasn't stopping it from eating. I know full well that I will probably always battle depression. I know what feeds it, I also know how to control it better know. I wasn't doing anything to counter act it. Even though God, and I have spent time putting me back together, and making the women he needs me to be for Him. Even though my identity is secure in Him, I know it's possible to return that broken Michelle. I also know that's not where I want to be. As I realized what happening, I need to do something. Things with James and I weren't going well either, we were both unhappy with the road I was traveling down. My not caring was having effect on him, and I wasn't happy with him. It wasn't that I was running away, it was that I needed to be somewhere, the black dog doesn't get fed. Somewhere the black dog is ignored. Somewhere, that I'm reminded who I am. That I am a child of the one True King.  I need to return to me. My spiritual and mental health need to be restored. The best place to do that, is the place where it all started. 

Why are we adopting?

James and I feel that when we get to our next duty station, it's time to add to our family. After much thought and some praying and talking, we are going to adopt our children. We are still planning on 2. I've been asked why a lot lately and it comes to this. It doesn't matter that we could probably have our own. The way James and I see is there are lots of children out there, without loving parents. In fact, there are too many children in our foster system because the parents they have can't raise for whatever reason. I think one of the greatest reasons that has come to mind about this decision is that God has adopted us. God has brought us into His family, we need to strive to be like him. I've been doing research, and I've found that because we are military we have extra hoops to jump, but I have faith that my God has gone before and He stands beside, those extra hoops are obstacles, they are boxes that we need checked. God has already figure this out. I'm standing on the promises in Deut. 31:8, The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. I've been standing on this verse since I found it just before James and I got married, and I've seen him the work He does ahead of me. I think being Alaska, has shown me just how much ahead He has come. Also we have been commanded to take care of the orphaned, and think this is very real and tangible way to put that into action. James and I will be looking for a young child about 2-5, that's in the system, and their parents' rights have already been taken away. We want it to be a closed adoption, but if possible know who the parents and why their rights were taken away. We are also aware that God may have other plans, and we will keep our eyes open for those. God knows I like neon signs and that if something comes up that seems easier than our plans, I'll take that as His plans, and quickly switch to that. Pray for us to be quick to action, we have things we need to do, pray for the child and her parents. Pray that James, the social workers, lawyers, agencies workers, judges, and I all have wisdom.

Paradigm shifting.

Definition of PARADIGM

1: example, pattern; especially : an outstandingly clear or typical example or archetype

2: an example of a conjugation or declension showing a word in all its inflectional forms

3: a philosophical and theoretical framework of a scientific school or discipline within which theories, laws, and generalizations and the experiments performed in support of them are formulated; broadly : a philosophical or theoretical framework of any kind 

 

It's how you view the world. So what happens when it shifts? What happens when it starts to change? Really it depends on who is doing the shifting. I do my best not to the let the world shift my paradigm. I try to look at the world through a Christian paradigm. So what do you do when God is the one shifting the paradigm?

This is what I've been going through lately. God has used this summer to change my paradigm on a few things. He, however, didn't ask if this who I wanted to spend my summer. Especially shifting these paradigms. Of course, I'll admit that if He would have asked me my thoughts on changing these paradigms, I would have told Him that I'm perfectly happy with my views and can't we have a nice relaxing summer with no friction. That maybe why I wasn't asked.

On shift of paradigm, I'll admit I probably walked right into on my own accord and didn't realize it until it was too late. I was the one who chose to study Esther. Although I could argue that it through the promoting of the Spirit, I started listen to Tony Evan's podcast. Tony Evan's had said in one of his podcast that the name of God wasn't in the book of Esther. How could this not intrigue me, God knew the minute I head something like that I would look to investigate it. So, maybe He did lead me to it. You could argue that I didn't have to follow. Anyways let's leave that rabbit and get back to the shift in my paradigm. I had this firm belief that if God was silent, it was your fault. God doesn't move, we do. Well, not so much anymore. I already have this deep supernatural connection to God through his spirit. It doesn't matter what I do, I feel close to God, I know He is there whether I remember to have a quiet time or not. One day, I noticed a lack in the Spirit department. This was hard on me. I quickly spent days thinking about what I could have done to move. The more I thought the more I realized I didn't move. Of course about a day or 2 before I notice the absent Spirit, I was watching a Beth Moore session on her Esther study and she talked about how she had the Spirit left and she felt like she was going to die, and then when He came back it just overwhelmed. Upon hearing this, my thought, "Thank God, you have never done anything like that to me, I would die if you did something like that to me." I had a response come from within my heart, "You wouldn't die." "Well, ok, I wouldn't die, but I go back to the depression mess I was before I really found in Korea." I thought. Response from my heart, "Are you sure?" "Well, I'd become a mess and wouldn't know what to do at the very least." I responded. "Are you sure?" Well, I can tell you I didn't die, and I didn't become a depression mess either. I did keep plugging on and then I started begging Him to come back. Right before I was about to become a mess, I tripped and found God in a new way. I learned the importance of a silent. The things He showed after being so desperate from Him was amazing. He made Himself silent, so He could truly whisper and I would hear. So the next time it feels like God moved, maybe he didn't, maybe he went silent to get your attention. I can tell my spirit is better align with His now.

So now on to the other paradigm shifting. God has been working on my view and thoughts on what church is to me. We've been attending a rather large church for the past 2 years. The people are nice and friendly. They are areas for both James and I to serve. Pastor Eric is insightful and shines the light on the Scripture so well. So what could be wrong? I don't feel like I belong. I can honestly say I have no real deep connection to this church. I have maybe 3 people I feel really connected to. For me, this really hard to deal with. Church is where I go to feel like I belong and connected to people. Back in high school, when I started this whole church thing, it was most of the appeal to it. These people liked me, included and were all around great people. Nothing like high school. For me, those four years weren't the greatest years of life, they were awful miserable and a lot like Chinese water torture. That's a lot like how I was feeling at church minus the Chinese water torture. I was highly confuse and upset that God would lead us to place that would be so like high school for me. I became to demand and explanation to this. See, I was listening to Rick Warren, and he had said that if you are unhappy and have complaints God really does want to hear them. He wants you to take his complaints to him. So that's what did. At first I got nothing. I really need to understand why I was at church I didn't belong. He started responding with things like. This is where I want you to serve. This where you will be useful. This is where I want to be. Only until recently I got a little more on this shifting paradigm. Church isn't about you and what you need out of it. It's about God and how I can serve and glorify him. Even though I don't really want to admit this, church was about me and what I could get out of it. The church was there to serve me and my needs. Then I began to wonder why for the past 15 years He let me have this view that it was about me belonging. God made a valid argument. How else was He suppose to get me into this relationship without appealing to one of my greatest needs at the time. I was so insecure and unsure about everything at that point in my life, how else was I suppose to meet the only one out there could fix everything and be what I needed without appealing to my greatest need. Now that myself image is ground Christ, now that my self worth comes  from Christ. I have my phone refer to me as Child of the One True King, that's how much I identify myself with the image of me in Christ. Shouldn't He start changing things about how I look things to better suit who I am in Him.

Offense and Growth

     One thing I have noticed about churches is that when things change, you can count one thing to happen, somebody will get their toes stepped on, their feelings hurt or being offended. The main reason for this is that we are human, while we are still on this side of heaven, broken and imperfect. So what does one do when things like this happen? There are lots of things that can done. Everyone get mad, upset and angry. There is nothing wrong with this as a first reaction, it's what you do with these feelings that makes them right or wrong.
    I recently when through one these times where things at church were changing and I got my toes stepped on. I was accidentally left out of decision that I felt like based on the work I've done the past year I should have at least been informed about the decision and the direction the ministry was going in. I had three initial thoughts to this happening. All three were wrong, but I drove home and went through my thoughts and feelings over and over again. Not the best idea for me. I learned from this that I don't just emote. Yes, emotion comes first, but I also think and process these in my head. By the time I got home, I had felt I'm done with Bethel Church. I'm not going back there anytime soon and I'm probably not serving in the women's ministry in anyway. James hearing all this mistook for a second and said just because what one person did to you isn't a reason to leave God. I quickly corrected him, this had nothing to do with my feeling about God, it's that church, I don't want to go back there. So James said you or we need to go and talk with Pastor Eric. My response I'm too upset, I'm too mad to do that right now. I was in the moment to upset to move forward. I knew enough that I shouldn't be act in my anger. It's ok to be mad, it when you act in the anger that can lead to sinning. I was very aware that if I acted in the that anger, I would sin. So James went in and talked with Pastor Eric. It was decided that the three of us need to sit down and work through this. Realizing that this was a new area for me, I've never been so upset with any church that I couldn't go back to it, that I probably shouldn't try and tackle this on my own. I need guidance and I agreed that Pastor Eric was probably the best place to go for this kind of guidance. I also need to process this. I spent time talking this over with God and then I moved on to my friend Dorothy. She affirmed that my feelings and thoughts weren't coming out left field. That they were valid and normal too. I really needed that.  After the battle I had with depression and the lies I let my feelings tell for 10 years, I really needed the affirmation that they weren't misleading me again. I also knew that in this I needed someone who tell me what I needed to hear. I needed to be told some truth. I hesitated calling Jason. When this was happening in my life, he was studying for two huge tests, that he needed to pass in order to get out of AIT, so I couldn't bring myself to bother him. I finally did. Jason basically told me that it doesn't matter how I feel, or what happened to me. I need to submit to God's will especially when He is clearing telling me what it is. Then Sunday, we didn't go to Bethel Church. I was still a little raw and a little upset, that I felt it wasn't good idea. Avoiding those areas where I could sin in my anger seemed like a good idea. So I left this up to James, we could stay home and sleep or we could go to church somewhere else. James decided we should go to church where Dorothy's husband is preaching at right now. Chris spoke about being betrayed. It was one of those God acted in Chris's life during the week, so he would speak to me where I was and what I need to hear from God. I'm sure Pastor Eric had a great sermon, that was very enlightening, but I need to hear that confronted me and my issues. So Monday came and James and I sat down with Pastor Eric. By this time I felt it was kinda moot. I knew very well what I need to do. I needed to sit down and talk with Cheryl. However the talk with Pastor Eric was good. I really put a nice cherry on the top of long thought process that needed to happen. I also got to see my pastor's wisdom in a new light. He is a very wise man, and need to see more of that. I also got see how much he does really care for us. He is a great pastor.
    So after all this, I went and sat down with Cheryl. She and I talked. I had light shed on what happened and what she wanted to do with what I had been working on the past year. I can go back to Bethel Church and I can serve in the women's ministry.
   So what did take away from all this? It's ok to get upset, but sometimes it isn't what it looks like. Pastor Eric gave me the advice of the next time something like this happen, I need to go to that person and voice that I have been offended or hurt, let them know that I need to go and process this some more before we talk, but to let them. However, after talking with Dorothy, I know that because I'm not just a feeler or a thinker, I'm both I need to process before I try to deal with being hurt. I can only deal with or fix it without sinning until I have an understanding of process. I also was reminded why Jason is so important. He will say what I need to hear in a way that I will listen to it and I can respond that I don't want to talk with him anymore, and he knows what I'm really saying is that I this is what I needed to hear, and I got the message fully. Thank you James for being such a good husband and handle it like I needed you too. Thank you Jason for continuing to speak truth into my life. Thank you Dorothy for listening to me process this. Thank you Pastor Eric for the wisdom and light in all this.

Friendship and the Army

So I've notice it more here in Fairbanks than I did around Fort Rucker. It seems that everyone is friendly, but they aren't really into making friends especially so with those of here for the Army. I understand, I sometimes have my reservations. Why bother making friends with people who live, seeing as how I'm just going to leave? But when God made me, He made me a people person. In fact, I need that relationship to thrive. There are people who are friendly we chat when our paths cross. However there is only a small handful of those people that I would call friends. We try to fit each other into our busy lives. I know that it may even be harder on them when I leave. As it is just James and I, when the time comes to say good bye, I can remind myself, that I will see these people again. Now it may not be on this side of heaven, but I will see them again. They have it a little harder because some of these friends, have children that I have spent time with and played with and laughed with. They will have to explain to their children why we are moving, but still they invest in me, and I in them. I think one reason is because when you have friends they can help carry some of the burden of life. I don't know why some people hold back in the friendship department with the Army. I know some of comes from not understanding, our lives are very different and sometimes they harder to keep shiny and pretty looking, somethings in our lives just can't be swept under the carpet when company is around. Good-bye is hard to say and not fun to deal with, but I however wouldn't want to miss out on that connection and a long the way as you make friends you find that some of these friends are connected. At each duty station I've been (both of them), one of friends has been friends with someone I know back in Phoenix. I could keep to myself and just the other Army people out there, but then I would miss out on a friendship with a lady who is wise, and friendly, and a great example of godly wife and mother. I would miss out painting with 2 small children and giving a little relief to migraine mother, who just wants to be a mother. I would have to find something else to do Sundays after church. I would have never had tons of fun golfing at 8:30pm. Will I miss these people? Yes, but once again I look at the cost and the enjoyment. The happiness these people have brought into my life, out way the small pain of good-bye. If I don't see them again in this life, I will get to see them again and then I will spend the rest of life as we know it with them too.

So... It's been awhile

Let me tell you living in Alaska can be hard. I know the last time I blogged was about South Africa, and I can tell you a lot has happened since South Africa and today. I'm no longer call myself a kindergarten teacher, and I'm just a teacher. So a little recap of the past year. After getting back from South Africa, I had an interview at Fairhill Christian School. I was hired to teach K-4. I had 7 of the most wonderful little children. I really enjoyed teaching and I was thrilled to be working with 9 really great people. It turned that enrollment didn't go up like they thought it would, and I really shouldn't of been hired. The 5th/6th grade teacher's husband got order to leave, so Walt (the principal) came to me and asked if would go teach 5th/6th grade. After much thought and prayer, I accepted the challenge God had placed before me. So right before thanksgiving I had 12 very different, very unique 5th/6th graders. Things didn't go as smoothly as what was wanted, but I plugged on. During the mess of moving from 5th/6th grade, James was promoted and he became a Staff Sargent. James and I took three weeks at Christmas time and went to see our family. His parents were thrilled, and my parents were surprised. They had no idea we were coming. We got to see lots of friends too. We were able to Jeff and Leona before we left California. We had good rest of the school year. I did the simulcast and had some struggles getting help, but on my end things went well. With the budget issues, James has been home a lot which is nice. Nothing to exciting going right now. We just had a trip to Valdez, and my aunt is coming in another week. I'm looking forward to enjoying the summer, and start back up in the fall teaching 5th/6th grade. I'm hoping to get back to blogging more. I'm also researching Esther and getting really into. I have plans of writing about it.  

Just a bit to Comfortable.

Disturb us, O Lord
when we are too well-pleased with ourselves
when our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little,
because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, O Lord
when with the abundance of things we possess,
we have lost our thirst for the water of life
when, having fallen in love with time,
we have ceased to dream of eternity
and in our efforts to build a new earth,
we have allowed our vision of Heaven to grow dim.
Stir us, O Lord
to dare more boldly, to venture into wider seas
where storms show Thy mastery,
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
In the name of Him who pushed back the horizons of our hopes
and invited the brave to follow.
Amen

 

In one of our last group meeting times, we read this prayer as group. It really touched. Sometimes, I find myself in a place where I dream too little, happy with where I am, and sail too close to the shore. I feel this is the biggest problem with most Western Christians. We are way to comfortable and happy just being. I don't know why happens. I just wish that more Christians would be disturbed by more important things. I know that life gets into a routine, and we get comfortable, but very few Christian ever leave the shores now a days. This is my prayer not just for myself, but all Christians.

Delmas, South Africa

So here is the post most of you have been waiting for. The what happened in South Africa post.
I went to the airport Wednesday day and flew to St. Paul. After St. Paul, I went to Atlanta. I had a nice long wait in Atlanta, I arrived at about 10:30 and my plane didn't take off until after 8pm. I had spent Tuesday on a glacier celebrating 2 years with my husband and found myself fighting a cold. I spent most of the day sleeping. I board my flight and flew for 19hrs landing in Joburg just after 6pm. I went trough customs, got my bag and walked out the sliding doors. I little dazed and travel weary, I started to look for someone from the Amor Staff. I quickly heard LaDonna calling my name. She showed me where the bus was waiting and head that way. Chipo, Luke's wife, greeted me. I climbed on the bus, and Debbie, my small group, called me over to sit with her. Lydia, also in my school group was near, and I saw Sally, someone I have done many weeks of Barnabas with. We rode the bus to Ebenezer Farm. We found our rooms, had a short meeting and then off to bed.
We got up the next morning and were off to the lion park. I got to pet a lion cub. I didn't feed the giraffe. Then we went in a caged car around the open camps of animals. We watched a cheetah sit on a hummer. Urban Saints were their and getting ready to leave. They had spent the week building their own house, they also laid or 22 by 22 slab for us. Because they laid our slab for us, they weren't able to finish their second coat of stucco. We had a meeting time together and the passed the "baton" on to us. We got to meet the pastor board, and hear Pastor Gabriel speak.
Sunday, we got and got ready for church. We were meet with some sad news, as Kim's niece had passed away. We went to Pastor Gabriel's church, it's dutch reform. He had invited a black house to come and sing. The service was in Afrikaans. Afterwards, we went over to the Soweto. Our first stop was Walter Sisulu square. Sisulu was a freedom fighter, and had spent time in prison with Mandela. We stopping outside a museum that was closed, the sign for the museum had didn't freedom fighters, and Luke's grandma was one of them. We also the monument to the new constitution. After that we went over to an area of the Soweto know as Orlando West. We stopped by Regina Mundi, it's a church that was harboring people during the apartheid and police broke in and shot at people. After that we went to the Hector Pieterson museum. Hector took part in a march against being taught in Afrikaans and was one of the first students shot and killed in 1975. After that we did a little shopping and then walked over to the intersection where Hector was shot, and just down the street from there was Nelson Mandela's house.
Monday morning, we were divided into three groups. Our house build, Stucco for Urban Saints, and outreach. I was placed in outreach. We went over to a daycare center and had a VBS for the kids in the area. Tuesday, it was two group the daycare, and house building. Once again I went over to the daycare. Three things were happening at the daycare: outreach, painting, and starting a garden. I helped with garden. Wednesday, I went over to house building to finish out the week working on the house.
In the evenings, we had activities with our small group, we got to do beading, dessert cooking, zulu dancing, and Jessica Baker talked about women's self image.
Saturday morning, We got up and some headed over to the airport, and the rest went to Nkosi's Haven. We got a tour, and I got just be there for a little boy named Sean. After that it was over to the airport and to say our goodbyes.
It was a great trip and I hope to someday to return to Delmas. 

Where the magic happens

I try very hard to not have a comfort zone, I'll even tell you don't really have one. When it comes to going and doing, I'll do and go. I realized in on a rooftop in Mexico that magic happens outside the your comfort zone and that magic is amazing. It draws you into your relationship with God, it's the greatest thing I've ever felt. Because of that day on the rooftop, I vowed not to have comfort zone, that if God was going to take me there, I would go.
I do have a "place" I'm not comfortable. When it comes to formal pray not comfortable especially like out load in front of other people. In May, Bonnie invited to come and pray Tuesday mornings at church. We spend about 30 minutes quietly praising God and the we come together to praise and petition God. At this point still not comfortable with the whole praying thing.
So you are probably wondering where South Africa comes into play here. On Sunday morning, we got up and were getting ready for church and a tour around Soweto. One of my roommates, Kim, burst out crying. Her niece had gone home to be the Lord. Now she knew that this was possible, her niece had been in and out of the hospital. So those of us in the room tried to comfort her. I found myself asking her if I could pray for her. She said yes and I did. Then I did what I did best and searched for the lady Kim traveled with. Her friend was a leader and not staying in the room with us. So I stepped outside the comfort zone, and the magic happened. I helped my roommate, blessed her. See stepping outside the comfort zone is so worth.
Of course, I was blessed in return. Later in the week, I sat down and talked with Kim. I shared with her, how while I was in Mexico one time, I lost a close friend whose doing missionary work in Africa.
Why bother with a comfort zone, God won't let you stay there.

Holding hands

On my last day in South Africa, we went to a place called Nkosis's Heaven. It's an HIV/AIDS home. The children living there have: an HIV/AIDS status, lost their parents or both. The women who live there have an HIV/AIDS status, children who do, or both, they also lost their husband or their husband pushed them out the house because of their status.
About a month or two before leaving for South Africa, the book club from church read a book titled Go and Do. Jay spent about chapter talking about presence and the importance of just going to third world countries and visiting with the people, not really having agenda to do anything. On Saturday night, it our celebration with Urban Saints, one the pastor said that in South Africa, when one is sick or sad or hurting, you don't send a card or make a phone call, you go and visit them.
As we start our walking tour around Nkosis's a little boy was walking along with a stick. As we walked by him, he grabbed my back pocket. I took his had from my back pocket and held his hand. He walked around with me. He would has ask what things were and that's about it. Most of the time we just walked around hand and hand. We later walked into the office and the lady sitting at the desk called him Sean. She talked with Sean and I didn't see him again.
Sometimes we forget how important it is to just go and not have an agenda. I do. Sean didn't need house or the gospel preached to him. He just needed to someone to visit with him. He just needed someone to walk around and hold his hand.