Some of you know and understand how I arrived at spending 6 weeks in Mexico. There's a little more than what I've told. When I was asked how I got to a place where I felt I should quit my job and spend 6 weeks in Mexico this is often the story I told.
In July the book club I'm in a part of read Gayla's book Disrupted. After reading stories about building house, and about Chelsea, Jon, Steve and Amy, what I wanted was to go back and Barnabas. So I told James, I needed to Barnabas. His response, "Will one week be enough?" It will have be as that what is I can do. Dorothy later talked in to using some of my personal time and taking 2 weeks. James's response once again, "Will 2 weeks be enough?" It will have to be. As the school year started, the new high school math teacher wasn't a Christian at all. Her and I had an incident, and she proceed to slander me. It was hard to believe the way I was being treated by another "Christian". After making my life miserable for weeks on end she moved on to Dorothy. It was hard watching the same thing happen to Dorothy. By this time, it was aware that this is how she worked and there was some damage control done. She often threw fits and just did things that made the rest us feel not included and not worthy of working with her. I was coming home emotional frazzled. The women James was dealing with at home was not his wife. Then one day I used the word apathetic. This is not a word that James's wife uses. According to James, Michelle is full of feeling and thoughts, and when she has become void of feeling something is really wrong. This was James's neon sign that something had to change. He told me, I need to quit. I didn't make enough money to be treated like this. After talking about this a few more times, I asked him, what do I do from Jan until July. Without pausing to think James said spend the spring season with Amor doing Barnabas. I've never got to spend the whole spring season with Amor. I've done 2-3 weeks but that's about it. However, right before Christmas break, she was asked to resign, which she did. We get back from Christmas break, and I'm talking with our teacher's aid. She tells me that she is worried that she might lose her job, if we replace the Math teacher because the school isn't making enough to make payroll. As I think about this, this doesn't seem right. I'm leaving in July, I can't work there next year, why fire the person who can work there, especially when there is someone on staff, who can't work there next year. I talked with the principal, she told me no one would get fire, that they could make payroll if everyone paid. However, if someone wanted to leave and do other things, it would relieve some finical stress. So Iresign, so I could get fired
However there is more to story than that. That's the surface story and it's great. I had battle with spiritual cancer. The winters have been hard on me. Even before the school year started things were a struggle. There's this story about how everyone has 2 dogs that follow them. A black dog of depression and a white dog of happiness and joy. The dog that wins is the dog you feed. Now I'll admit, I wasn't feeding the black dog, but when my surroundings put down food for the black dog, I didn't chase it off, I didn't take the food away. So even before school started this year the black dog wasn't weak and feeble and near death, he was starting to get his strength back. Then the mess with the new high school teacher happened. The black dog was getting more food. I admit I wasn't feeding it, but I also wasn't stopping it from eating. I know full well that I will probably always battle depression. I know what feeds it, I also know how to control it better know. I wasn't doing anything to counter act it. Even though God, and I have spent time putting me back together, and making the women he needs me to be for Him. Even though my identity is secure in Him, I know it's possible to return that broken Michelle. I also know that's not where I want to be. As I realized what happening, I need to do something. Things with James and I weren't going well either, we were both unhappy with the road I was traveling down. My not caring was having effect on him, and I wasn't happy with him. It wasn't that I was running away, it was that I needed to be somewhere, the black dog doesn't get fed. Somewhere the black dog is ignored. Somewhere, that I'm reminded who I am. That I am a child of the one True King. I need to return to me. My spiritual and mental health need to be restored. The best place to do that, is the place where it all started.
