I've got the what? Down where?

I was asked what's wrong with me. Here is what was said to me. "You're boyfriend is miles away. You don't have a job, and your dad could die of cancer. You are so happy. What's wrong with you? Normal people wouldn't be happy."

So what is wrong with me. I would have to say that I think it's deeper then happy. Happy is surface feeling. Something that doesn't over take and can easily be washed away. I've got something deeper. I call it joy. Joy comes from your heart and goes down to the soul. I feel that it's ok to have joy because of what is going on around. I have joy because I know there is someone out there watching and taking care of things. It's fine to have joy in my heart even though the things around me are that great.

Sure my boyfriend is miles away. The best part about is that he is still mine, he still loves. Where is he doesn't change who he is. He still makes me laugh, smile and feel special. He is still amazing and wonderful. It's good for us to be apart, I see it as practice. Let's face facts, things are getting better over in the middle east and there will be a time when he is gone for a whole year. It will be my turn to sit by the phone wait for him. My life can't stop because we aren't together. Don't get me wrong. I miss him. I would love for it to be the day when we get to be together. That isn't happening now. I have a choice I can focus on the fact that we are apart or I can think about what is to come. Personally, I like to think about what will come when he isn't near.

This whole not having a job thing is ok. I'm applying. I've got my resume on three different websites. There isn't much more I can do. With all that's going on with my father it's probably good that I don't have job. My mom would stay home and take care of him. But that means she has to sit around and she doesn't do that well. She needs to be doing things. So she takes the important days off. The big deal days, and I'll take care of him on the rest. James also nicely pointed out the reason I don't have a job is because I'm not suppose to be here. I have somewhere better to go and not having a job is one less thing I'll have to deal with when it's time to leave. That door will open when it's time.

As for my father, sure he could die of cancer, but he isn't going to be it anytime soon. The last thing he needs is for us dwelling on how horrible this could be. He feels lucky and he is. He is sure that he can beat this and he can. I think heming and hawing poor dad isn't helping him any. It could be better. The surgery could have removed all the cancer instead of finding more. The great thing is that the surgery found where it started. He was told that he would have to radiation until Feb and see the dr once a month for the next two years. This isn't poor dad, this is thank God he was sent to a dr. that wants to make sure it's all gone and taken care off.

Life isn't this horrible awful thing that knocks you down. It isn't out there to abuse you. It's this great wonderful journey. Sure flat tire appear along the way, things need to be fixed and looked at. We have to watch and make sure we aren't low on oil, but that's all a part of it. Sometimes you make bad choices, you make wrong turns, but that's part of it. You learn more from failure than success and you should just keep moving forward. So the real question isn't what's wrong with me. I don't really think there is anything wrong with me because I look at life for what it is a gift that should be enjoyed to it's fullest. The question is what's wrong with you that you have to point out all the bad and hem and haw about how awful life is.

The Big C

I should probably start off by saying, I am daddy's little girl. My world up until a few months revolved around my father. He was greatest man in my life. He took care of me. If something was broken he fixed. If I needed help he helped me. I often call him Poppy bear. He will defend me. Some people have said things about me and my father has put them in their place. I'm quite sure the man is fond of me. How many fathers are willing to drive out to Mesa to change a flat tire?

So about a month ago I had my world shaken up quite a bit. I received an e-mail from my father. I was still in Alabama with James at this time. It said that he had lymphoma. I was a mess. I had just read the e-mail and James shows up at my hotel room finished with work for the day. I felt bad from because I was in tears and scared. I probably didn't say one word that made sense. He was probably standing wondering what he had gotten himself into with this girlfriend who has just emotionally fallen apart. I spent the next two weeks worry about my father.

I come home and after talking with my dad, there isn't too much to worry about. He had notice a lump on his neck below his ear one morning. So he goes online to WebMD and he types in the symptoms. It comes back telling him it's most likely an infection and will go away in two weeks. Two weeks come and go and it's still there. So my dad goes to the doctor. Where they begin to poke, prod and run tests. It takes some work and my dad has almost had it, and is about to give up when the last test comes back as lymphoma. They checked him out and it from some else in his body. This is the only piece cancer. So now what? The good thing is my dad is fine and it isn't life threating at least not now because it was caught so early. This has a high rate of being cured the sooner it is found. He has surgery on Friday Nov 20th. After they take it out they will decide if they need to do radation or not. With the surgery they are going into remove the lump and maybe some muscle if the lump has attached to the muscle. If they do remove the muscle he may lose so funiction in his left arm, but he is fine with that.

As for the family, my dad is handling the best. He'll tell you it's nothing to worry about he isn't dieing which is true. My mother and I are keeping an eye on him. Her and I will take care of him afterwards. My sister doesn't want to talk about it at all. She has the mindset of if we ingore it'll go away. My mother is staying very busy she's only taking two days off of work. This is good because as long as mom is moving and doing stuff, she's doing fine. I'm no longer a basket case like I was. If you have been praying for my father thanks a bunch. If you haven't cause you didn't know and are going to start thanks a bunch. He'll be fine.

Trying not to be broken, in a broken world

Let's start of by saying it's ok for you to comment. I talked with James and he told my first blog kinda discourage him from commenting. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I like the comments. It's encouraging to me.

First, I need to start of by letting you know the whole purpose of Korea. I've admitted why I went twice. Last night, I admitted to someone I barely know why I went, and why God sent me. I went to run away from God. I was upset with Him and didn't understand what was going on. I spent 4 and half long years going to college, and things just weren't work out. It didn't make sense. I was pretty sure God wasn't even aware of me. However, I was need of what I call time out. When used properly, a time out opens your eyes to bad behavior, how it's wrong, and what you can do not to do it again. I also need to grow in ways I couldn't here. I had lesson that couldn't be learned here. Then, lastly, is James. It was the only the way to two of us would cross paths. It's kinda hard to fall in love and marry someone you've never meet.

So now, I feel like I'm better person. Some of things I learned over there has fixed some of the things that were wrong with me. It's kinda hard to explain how I was broken. I just know that was, and now it's not so much. One thing that happened over there, is that I learned that my God is who He says He is. While I was there I did a lot of reading about God and learned about His power and love from books and then watched applied. I think that is the greatest thing that happened.

I have also learned how to be a better person. I know some of think I'm already a good person, but I had trouble handling and dealing with people who rub me wrong. I had trouble keeping my mouth shut. Just because it's true and right doesn't mean it needs to be said. I know this now. I didn't before. When it came to dealing with some people (especially my sister) I would say something, I'm about to sound like a 5 year old because that's what it is, childish behavior. It's not okay to behave that way. S/He started it. I don't start the button pushing the other person does. I tried to teach my kindergartners this, but I hadn't fully learned it either. If you don't want it do to you then maybe you shouldn't do it to others. I don't want my buttons pushed so why am I pushing others. It doesn't matter that they are pushing mine. I had to learn that it's best just not to say anything sometimes. I also learned and put into practice that there is no point in being mad and hating other people. By being mad at someone, it gives them power over your life to make it horrible. If you are mad at someone it doesn't effect there life. They go on living life unaware of it. You only have some energy so why waste it on being mad at someone. I'm saying that you have like everyone around you, it's just there is no point in being mad and holding on to things that upset you. It effects you more than them.

So now I've come home. I'm dealing with people that are broken. I'm dealing with people that push buttons for the sake of pushing buttons. I also have people who think being mad at someone makes them feel bad, and holding on to stupid things is done. They also like to make you feel small and awful because they are mad at you. These people make comments, they know hurt you. These people also believe that your circumstance define your life. So I'm sitting here without a job and miles away from the greatest man I know, I should be frustrated, upset and depressed. I certainly shouldn't be trying to see things from God's view. That not having job is just waiting to see how God will provide. The being apart is just practice for when he gets deployed and will have to be away. I think it also grows our love stronger, and we feel twice as blessed when we get to be together. It's been hard to push buttons back. I've done a good job so far. When the comment "Don't get to attached, she's just going to leave again. She doesn't really like us anyways." was I wanted to say so many things, but I didn't. When the comment was made, "Daddy think that dog is retarded." I didn't say, "Well, you're retarded and when still keep you around." But the hardest comment was, "Comprises are when nobody gets what they want." I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say, "How can think we are well adjusted normal family with a point of view like that."

I don't have to understand it. I just don't have to respond. If they want to be broken and be jaded. That's how they choose to live life. I can't change them, I don't have that power. What I can do is live my life and focus on the blessing.

Obladi, Oblada

For those of you that don't know, It's from a Beatles song, and the next line after that is life goes on. After I left Korea, where was I? What was I doing? Well, here goes.

In the words, of the great and wonderful Mary Beth, I was spending times with my "holy hotness." I feel that I can steal the phrase from and use it, as she is the one who found my "holy hotness." I flew from Korea to Atlanta. Where James picked me up.

The flight over was very long and I was pretty worn out by the time I got to James. I had gotten lost in China, partly because I didn't check my flight number before leaving the plane, and partly because my geography failed me. There was a nice lady holding a sign with my flight number that said New York. I wasn't flying to New York, I was flying Newark, NJ. Which lead me to get lost, and I have a stamp in passport from China. After enjoying the whole row to myself. I land in Newark. For those of you who have never flown international, upon arriving back int he beautiful USA, you must pick up your luggage go through customs and the give it back to the airline. Now by this point, I'm use to airports that have line you must wait behind, so there is no crowding of the carousel. I go get my luggage cart. (Which I had to pay for, you don't have to pay for them in other countries. I looked at the attendant, and said "Seriously, I have to pay this?") So I have perched on luggage a fair distance away from the carousel and wait to see my beautiful bags. As I wait people begin to crowd around the carousel. To point they might as well be standing on top of it and each other. There is no point to this, it doesn't make your luggage come any faster. I see my bags, and remember I'm back in the land where you use the nice little phrase "Excuse me." I say, "Excuse me" three times, and the sea doesn't part. They continue to stand. So in a very Korean fashion I push through. Somebody looks at me and says, "lady you don't have to push." At which point I respond with, "And you people don't need to crowd the carousel. In other part of the world, they have a line you have to stand behind. Just so you all know, seeing as how don't know, crowding the carousel doesn't really do anything. It doesn't make your luggage come faster. It does however, frustrate, those of us who have the common sense to wait away from it." As if that wasn't enough, at the gate the announce that we'll be boarding by sections. However, this doesn't stop people from lining up and trying to get on the plane. They won't let you unless you are in the section. I'm sure you see where this going. My section was called first. So I'm saying "excuse me" and some people are moving, others not so much. So I finally stop and just let them have it. Now bear in my mind that I got up at about 5am Saturday, Korea time and it's now like 3pm Saturday in NJ. "Look, you all just need to move, and let people through. There is no point in crowding the gate. The bus and the subway, I understand, there are only so many seats and it's nice to sit down. However, with planes, everybody will get a seat, and they only let you on if you have a little piece that says you have seat." This was a case of Michelle being to blunt of most people to take, because I heard someone say, "Lady you don't have to be (insert whichever lovely little word you like) about it." Once I got on the plane, things did get better. There was this nice lady and her two sons. They were on the waiting list, so none of them had seats together. She had the window seat and I had the aisle. She wanted to switch so that she could see her sons better. Seeing that her youngest son had the aisle just a few rows ahead of me, I looked at her and said, "Why don't I just trade with him?" She looked at me like I just made her day. She asked "Are you sure?" I said, "The plane's going to same place no matter where I sit, and the only person, who can say anything is your son cause it's his ticket that has the seat number." She looked at me and said "Thank you very much." Turns out that I'm not the only nice person out there because they three of them were sitting together. So I made it to Atlanta. James was waiting there for me. It was so great to see. It was so nice to hug him too.

Back in AL, we had a good time. We went to the movies, played miniature golf and had dinner together. We went to church and I got to hear him play his trumpet and sing. I cooked dinner for him sometimes too. I think those were my favorite nights. He did all my chopping for me. It was a good time. It was a great three months with him. We spent the time getting to know one another better. We had been through a lot. He learned that when I get grumpy, you really shouldn't pick on me. I might throw a box of dryer sheets at you. I learned about the things that annoy him. I like the way my hand fits in his, and the way I fit inside arms and suddenly feel safe. I got to really feel that twice. Once was after the car accident, and the other was when I got the news from my father. (That is a blog in itself and I'll get there.) I really can't tell you how wonderful this man is. He makes feel like I'm greatest thing out there. I'm told I return the favor. I look at him many days and wonder why God gave me a man so wonderful and amazing. That's pretty much what is going on with me. I can tell you he is the hardest thing in the world to leave. I've never had so much trouble leaving anybody ever. Don't get me wrong, it hurt and was hard to get on that plane and leave my parents. With him, it's different, it's almost like, I'm tearing myself into two when I leave him.

Welcome to Michelle Land

Welcome to the wonderful and magical world of Michelle. Ok, so it's not very magical, in fact, I'll admit sometimes it's boring. This is where I'm going to post the going ons and thoughts in my head. First of thought there are some rules.
1.) This is for me, not you. I know sometimes my finger don't move as fast my brain. Sometimes these aren't easy to read. I don't really care.
2.) These are my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they may not be pretty. They may not match that picture you have of me. I'm just going to be honest.

I just wanted a place to let things go and let my thoughts out of my head. I've been told that I've wrote some profound things in the last year, and that things I wrote blessed other people's lives too. It'll probably happen here sometimes, over times, I might have shallow thoughts. But thanks for stopping by and reading. Also, you should know that sometimes, the way I look at things is little messed up, but that has do with where I came from.