Let's start of by saying it's ok for you to comment. I talked with James and he told my first blog kinda discourage him from commenting. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I like the comments. It's encouraging to me.
First, I need to start of by letting you know the whole purpose of Korea. I've admitted why I went twice. Last night, I admitted to someone I barely know why I went, and why God sent me. I went to run away from God. I was upset with Him and didn't understand what was going on. I spent 4 and half long years going to college, and things just weren't work out. It didn't make sense. I was pretty sure God wasn't even aware of me. However, I was need of what I call time out. When used properly, a time out opens your eyes to bad behavior, how it's wrong, and what you can do not to do it again. I also need to grow in ways I couldn't here. I had lesson that couldn't be learned here. Then, lastly, is James. It was the only the way to two of us would cross paths. It's kinda hard to fall in love and marry someone you've never meet.
So now, I feel like I'm better person. Some of things I learned over there has fixed some of the things that were wrong with me. It's kinda hard to explain how I was broken. I just know that was, and now it's not so much. One thing that happened over there, is that I learned that my God is who He says He is. While I was there I did a lot of reading about God and learned about His power and love from books and then watched applied. I think that is the greatest thing that happened.
I have also learned how to be a better person. I know some of think I'm already a good person, but I had trouble handling and dealing with people who rub me wrong. I had trouble keeping my mouth shut. Just because it's true and right doesn't mean it needs to be said. I know this now. I didn't before. When it came to dealing with some people (especially my sister) I would say something, I'm about to sound like a 5 year old because that's what it is, childish behavior. It's not okay to behave that way. S/He started it. I don't start the button pushing the other person does. I tried to teach my kindergartners this, but I hadn't fully learned it either. If you don't want it do to you then maybe you shouldn't do it to others. I don't want my buttons pushed so why am I pushing others. It doesn't matter that they are pushing mine. I had to learn that it's best just not to say anything sometimes. I also learned and put into practice that there is no point in being mad and hating other people. By being mad at someone, it gives them power over your life to make it horrible. If you are mad at someone it doesn't effect there life. They go on living life unaware of it. You only have some energy so why waste it on being mad at someone. I'm saying that you have like everyone around you, it's just there is no point in being mad and holding on to things that upset you. It effects you more than them.
So now I've come home. I'm dealing with people that are broken. I'm dealing with people that push buttons for the sake of pushing buttons. I also have people who think being mad at someone makes them feel bad, and holding on to stupid things is done. They also like to make you feel small and awful because they are mad at you. These people make comments, they know hurt you. These people also believe that your circumstance define your life. So I'm sitting here without a job and miles away from the greatest man I know, I should be frustrated, upset and depressed. I certainly shouldn't be trying to see things from God's view. That not having job is just waiting to see how God will provide. The being apart is just practice for when he gets deployed and will have to be away. I think it also grows our love stronger, and we feel twice as blessed when we get to be together. It's been hard to push buttons back. I've done a good job so far. When the comment "Don't get to attached, she's just going to leave again. She doesn't really like us anyways." was I wanted to say so many things, but I didn't. When the comment was made, "Daddy think that dog is retarded." I didn't say, "Well, you're retarded and when still keep you around." But the hardest comment was, "Comprises are when nobody gets what they want." I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say, "How can think we are well adjusted normal family with a point of view like that."
I don't have to understand it. I just don't have to respond. If they want to be broken and be jaded. That's how they choose to live life. I can't change them, I don't have that power. What I can do is live my life and focus on the blessing.
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