Handle with care

So of lately, I've noticed that I seem to be a little fragile. I can start crying with very little prompting. On the radio they will start talking about Christmas and how this Christmas might be hard on some people. That someone one may be missing around the tree. I cry. I go two days without any word from James and I cry. You look at me with too much empathy, and I cry. This not the picture perfect image of an army wife. I am fairly certain that he will come back to me, on time is in question, but he will be back.

One reason it is so hard to keep in together at time, I'm very aware of how much a blessing this man is to me. God has done 2 things for me that there is no way I could repay. I could be perfect, do every act of service, show love to everyone, and never sin again, and this 2 things would still out weigh what God has done for me. Number 1 and the most important is that He died on the cross for my sins. The next is that He gave James to be my husband.

One thing that I'm trying to say here is this: being an army wife during deployment sucks. He is gone and in harms way and you have to pick up everything and carry on. Not only do I have to remember the things I did for the running of our family, but I know have to remember the things he did too. It is almost like a having a cart that takes 2 people to move, and the other person is gone and you still have to move it. Sometimes others can come along and help, but they can't do everything. Like when the car battery died. I knew it needed to be replace before he left, but I was too busy trying to make those last few weeks special, that we didn't do. Then I go out to the car on day to dead car battery. This is one of those times when I can get on the phone and find someone help pull the 2 person cart for this job.

Things I don't need to hear right now are things like, you picked Stewart, you knew the band deployed there. You are right I picked Stewart, however it doesn't make the situation suck any less At least he isn't in harms way, it's not like he out shooting the other guys or out patrolling. Right, but he is still in the middle of war zone. My favorite, he is only going to be there for a little while, it could be worse he could have to be there for a year. How about we send your husband away to somewhere that contact will be sparse and one sided, for a little and see how you like.

It comes down to this I love James a lot. The only thing I love more than James is God. He is special to me, and I wouldn't want to live my life without him.

So when one of those things about happen what can you do. Let's start off by not looking at me with too much sympathy. If I'm standing there talking to you, I know you care. Next hug me. For me, you have no idea how much a hug warms me. Lastly remind that it will all be ok.

Why I can't be a feminist.

Emma Waston recently spoke about starting a campaign called He for She. That ugly word feminist came back. I find that what is going on and being asked to be done isn't really right. I don't think people truly understand the meaning of equal. I feel that asking for equality is bad thing mainly because it won't take into account the difference between women and men. I am not the same as my husband, I am different and I want those difference to be acknowledged and looked at. I would rather have justice. Justice looks at those difference but still makes sure that I am treated fair based on those difference.

Now first I want it to be understand I don't think women are weaker, and should hide behind men. Neither gender is better. However we are not the same and anybody who thinks that we are the same and should be treated the same is just wrong. To prove these difference let's start with my favorite place to look for differences, the Bible. In Ephesians 5, it talks about how wives should respect their husbands and husband should love their wives. Does this mean that wives don't need to love their husbands or husband don't have to respect their wives?  No way. You don't have to tell someone to do what they naturally do. Women have an easier time loving and show love, they need to be reminded about showing respect. Men need to be reminded to show love. We aren't the same. Another place that shows our differences is in the army pt standards and weight standards. If we truly the same and equal wouldn't these standards be the same, they wouldn't need a male chart and female chart, they would just have one. Women are allowed to have more body fat than men, simply because we are different.

Equality isn't a bad things, and there are some areas where men and women should be treated equally. A man should not receive more simply for being a man. Now if the man is more qualified and doing a better job than yes pay him more, but if qualifications and job quality are the same the pay should be the same. Justice and equality are different things. Equal is the last thing I want.  I came across this picture a few years ago that explains why equality isn't always a good things and shows why most often it isn't what we really. When the feminist start asking for justice and they realize that men and women are not the same and that it is harmful to treat us them, I'll become a feminist. What makes me different is too special, too important, and too wonderful to sacrifice.

It was the biggest lie I was ever told

When I was going through high school, I was constantly being told "These are the greatest years of  your life. These are the best years of your life." Honestly, I contribute these phrase to be a cause of my depression. High school is not the greatest years of life. They may be for some, and I feel sorry for those who that statement is true.

Your late twenties is when life starts to get good. At least it is for me. I lot of things happened to make this time in my life the best years. I have figured out who I am, and wear it so well. I'm comfortable with who I am. I am a little loud, a little crazy, and passionate. I'm a child of the One True King. I know this because that is what Siri calls me when I talk to her. I am me to the fullest. I'm pretty sure I'm a pretty awesome too. Another thing that makes being in this time of my life so great, is that for the most part, I spend my time around people who like me. I'm not forced to spend day after day with people who are stuck up and down right mean. Now when it comes to working every once in while I get that one person who doesn't like me. I limit my interaction with them. If my job doesn't have doing it than I don't. Now don't think I'm cold shoulder mean to them either. I smile and say hi and I am nice, but I don't spend 2 hours after school sitting in their classroom chatting with them. That's for sure. It comes down to this I like myself, I mean I really like myself. It's not this self obsessed kind of thing. I know that I'm not an awful person, so I spend time with people who feel the same as I do. You don't have think I'm all that, but there's a difference between people who like me and people who don't like me.

Another that makes my life so great is my husband. I'll admit it hasn't been rainbows and butterflies. It's been life. When the day is done and over, he loves me. I get to spend time a lot of time with him. I get to do things with him. Sure, he gets mad when I open my stupid mouth. We have our inside jokes, we flirt and play around. Even though I've gained 50 lbs. he still finds me attractive. Are we perfect? Far from it, but we made the choice to be married to each other.

My life is adventure. I can't tell you where I'll be in 5 years from now. I find this to be really great. I've gotten to live in lower AL, three years in AK, and now I am in coastal GA. I find this to be a great part of life.

Do your teenagers a favor, quick telling them they are in the best years of their life. They may not be there yet.

Why Facebook isn't evil

I've heard comments like "There's a lot of drama on Facebook," "It's just for people to whine about how awful their life is," or "It's just a place to waste time." I, however, feel that this is very untrue. Facebook is what you make you make of it. Sure, I admit I waste a lot of time on Facebook. There is pretty much no drama on my Facebook. How is this possible? First of all in real life I'm not friends with those drama queens, negative Nancy, and you must pay all attention to me, so there is an absent of these in my news feed. Also, I don't follow all 367 of my friends. There are just some people I don't see them everyday and they didn't have this huge impact on my life or all the post is sharing stupid things and don't really have status updates they aren't in my news feed. Now there are people who aren't in my life and every once in a while, I check out their page and make sure their life is going well. Now I don't what you think my news feed is full of roses and sunshine it isn't.  I've had friend announce their divorce, their husband's deployment, their miscarriages, and their needs as they struggle with depression. This is life. As long as we are on this side of heaven, it will be messy, broken and ugly. I also got to take part in weddings, births and other excitement.

It comes down to this, Facebook is what you make of it. I can't see your news feed and unless we have the same friends, I don't see what you see. You don't have to follow all your friends.  Unfollow those drama queens and negative Nancys. Stop by their page every once and while, but don't let them fill your news feed.

I try to be uplifting. In real life when I get to be face to face with you, I try to be uplifting and encouraging. So that's how I try to be on Facebook. I'm not a new age type person, I don't really believe in Karma, but I do believe you get back what you put into things. If you throw out a bunch of negative thoughts and are just jaded and upset  all the time that's what you'll get back. Pretend to be happy and that things are good and you might change your mind about things.

Do I rob them?

I spent much of the past weekend with my husband’s cousins who have small children and watching them. A thought had started to creep into my mind.  That I am robbing our parents of some great years of being grandparents. Now we don’t know the age of the children we will receive but they will probably be a little older. I do feel like I am robbing our parents of some on the most precious and sweet years in a child’s years. They will not experience stories, pictures or videos of first. There is so much that will not get to experience with our children because they will already be passed. I realize that a choice we made has rob them of many things that makes being a grandparent such a wonderful experience, there will be no birth announcements, no pictures of a swelling belly, no new little life to hold, no rolling over to watch, no first steps to wait for, no first words, and a good chance of no first day of kindergarten. For this I am sorry. I’m sorry that they will not have the moments. I’m sorry that I’ve rob them of some very sweet things. So do we change our minds, and not rob our parents? Or do we rob and maybe give someone else something better?

However on the other side of all this, we are giving much more. We are giving a child a home with a loving family. We are giving a child something they may have given hope for receiving something they may have given up on ever having. We have the chance of removing a child from place that is very dark. We have the chance of healing wounds caused by other people. We have the chance of breaking a link in a very destructive chain. Most of all we give hope and the kind of hope that Christ has given to me. Hope that things can change and things can better.

In the end they still get to be grandparents. They aren’t robbed entirely of the joys of the grandparent life. They may still get a few first. The firsts the get to experience maybe even better. That first moment when a child realizes how much better this life is going be. The first moment of realizing they are now safe. When making choices, I think we need to look at the cost. It will cost our family some very sweet moments, we are sacrificing  some great gifts. When looking at what will be gained, we have no idea how much good we'll bring in this life into our family will do. We have no idea how people will change or respond. In comparison, the things that are lost are nothing compared to the things that might be gained. Isn’t this what Christ did for us? Didn’t he sacrifice much, to gain more? Aren’t we called to be like Christ? Shouldn’t we sacrifice much, to gain even more?

Yes, I will choice to rob our parents to give something bigger and better to someone else.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Why I hate Alaska...

While doing Project Barnabas, I met a guy who getting stationed at JBER, which is the base down in Anchorage. He and I spent a lot of time talking about Alaska. I did my best to talk it up and make it sound great. However, being an easy person to read, on the last night he asked what my real opinion of Alaska was. I put it like this: So high school was like the 4 worst years of life, I have never been so miserable in life ever, and will never go back to reunion. If I was given the choice to go back to high or live in Alaska for another 3 years, I would choice high school.

It's very simple. I'm not completely over my depression. Under normal circumstances, it is under control and doesn't effect me. However, Alaska isn't normal. Also, I knew that I had SAD, seasonal affective disorder, the loss of sunlight in the winter in Phoenix, had an effect on me. It was harder to get out bed, and the depression got worse too. In Phoenix, we probably lost 2 hours of daylight at the most. For those of you living outside of Alaska and have no idea how it isn't normal, let me explain the winter to you. It starts snowing at the end of September, it doesn't stick until October. We get a good 2-3 feet of snow that doesn't go anywhere until about mid April, if stops snowing in April. After June 23 we start losing daylight until Dec 2. Now when the sun is setting at 1am and raising at 3am, you don't really notice the lose of daylight, but come September, it's start to look like a normal day, and then you continue to lose daylight. The best way to describe it like this come November until about February, if I don't have recess duty, I didn't get to feel sunlight on my skin, and when I was going outside I was wearing so much stuff, I didn't really get to feel the sun on my skin. It was also extremely cold. Especially coming from Phoenix, Fairbanks doesn't see many day above 0. It is dark, cold, and there is snow on the ground from October until April. This is hard to deal with. After my first winter I came to this conclusion: 1.) You must be really broken to live in Alaska or 2.) I'm too broken to be living in Alaska. I'm pretty sure it's more 2.) now that I've done 3 winters.

Now I don't want to think that Alaska had been awful and the last three years have been unbearable for me. It has had some good moments. God has taught me a lot about Him, and myself. Things I couldn't learn in a normal place that doesn't have such extremes. I've gotten to meet a lot of wonderful people here. I've made heaven a little sweeter and bigger reunion party. I was able to regain my love for teaching and realized that I'm not the awful teacher my first two principals tried to tell I was. I was doing it right by loving my students as much as I do, and that wasn't mistake or the wrong way to do it. I learned to paint, and started dancing. I started taking an active role in the women's ministry and started on the road to what good has called me to do with that.

If we come back what would I do differently? First off we would buy a sunlight. Second, I would talk with my doctor about drug therapy for it, taking vitamin D wasn't enough. Third, if these things didn't help, I would tell James much sooner.

Why I couldn't go to church.

After spending 6 weeks with Amor, I came back and went to church for 2 weeks and I haven't been back. It's not because I got so use to not going to church while with Amor, going to church started to feel weird. No it's a little deeper than that. There are 3 parts to why I couldn't go to church.

Those first 2 Sundays back, my church made a plea for people to work Sunday school, and in the nursery. One the surface there's really nothing wrong with this. However, it seems lately the church is always looking for someone to fill some space. I realize this is a common problem with all churches. Our church has over 600 people who attend regularly.  So it's not like we are lacking in the people to do these things. I couldn't listen to this plea one more time. I had started to get a feeling very similar to what cause Jesus to toss table in the temple. I had just spent 6 weeks in a culture where you serve, that's just what you do. Also, just about everyone who was there made a sacrifice to be there. I sacrificed my job, and I wasn't the only one. I couldn't understand why 30 people  couldn't volunteer to serve. I know that most people in the room were thinking somebody else will do it. Well, you need to stop and realize that someone isn't doing it. If I had to sit through one more service and hear them asks for workers, I would definitely walk out of the service, or I might start flipping tables. I very much wanted to stand up that second Sunday, and say something like this, "Do you not understand what Christ did for you? Christ sacrificed everything, died on a cross, and this is an awful death, so that you could have a place in heaven. I haven't been to hell or heaven but from my understand he did something that you can't even grasp how wonderful it is. One of things Jesus said was to take care of each and to te
ach the next generation. I don't think he is asking for a whole lot out of us. So why they have to plead for 2 months for workers is beyond me. If everyone in this room truly understood what Christ did, they would have to turn workers away." I have this saying "Great love compels the one being loved to action."

Another thing that was happening is I was running into friends and they would ask how my trip was and then they would say, "I would love to hear more about your trip." I really love talking about Amor. If you and I have talked about Amor you know this, if you haven't heard me talk about Amor you are in for a treat. So later in the week, I would text or facebook these people and ask them when they wanted to get together. I got pretty much the same response, "I'm busy." If you didn't mean in why did you say it. I think that is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone who has returned from a short term mission trip, pretend to be interested. It break my heart. I had an amazing trip and I want to share it with everyone who wants to take part in my trip. The next time someone comes home from a short term mission trip, if you aren't going to make the effort please don't tell them you want to hear more. I realize that somethings you may not have interest in, but you can guide the conversation. I love chatting with Kathy and Diane cause I got to tell stories and just share. I also enjoyed chatting with Chris. He asked question about what he wanted to know. The question Chris asked didn't necessary pertain to the trip I just went on. He wanted to know about the house building process, I could have answer his question before I left for 6 weeks, but he took interest.

The last part, I'll admit is probably the lamest of all, but it factor in. Everybody who is military can relate on  some level. We are leaving. Our time in Alaska is coming to end. Most of these people I will probably never see on this side of heaven again. I have started to check out.

So there you have it.

Why I spent 6 weeks in Mexico.

Some of you know and understand how I arrived at spending 6 weeks in Mexico. There's a little more than what I've told. When I was asked how I got to a place where I felt I should quit my job and spend 6 weeks in Mexico this is often the story I told.

In July the book club I'm in a part of read Gayla's book Disrupted. After reading stories about building house, and about Chelsea, Jon, Steve and Amy, what I wanted was to go back and Barnabas. So I told James, I needed to Barnabas. His response, "Will one week be enough?" It will have be as that what is I can do. Dorothy later talked in to using some of my personal time and taking 2 weeks. James's response once again, "Will 2 weeks be enough?" It will have to be. As the school year started, the new high school math teacher wasn't a Christian at all. Her and I had an incident, and she proceed to slander me. It was hard to believe the way I was being treated by another "Christian". After making my life miserable for weeks on end she moved on to Dorothy. It was hard watching the same thing happen to Dorothy. By this time, it was aware that this is how she worked and there was some damage control done. She often threw fits and just did things that made the rest us feel not included and not worthy of working with her. I was coming home emotional frazzled. The women James was dealing with at home was not his wife. Then one day I used the word apathetic. This is not a word that James's wife uses. According to James, Michelle is full of feeling and thoughts, and when she has become void of feeling something is really wrong. This was James's neon sign that something had to change. He told me, I need to quit. I didn't make enough money to be treated like this. After talking about this a few more times, I asked him, what do I do from Jan until July. Without pausing to think James said spend the spring season with Amor doing Barnabas. I've never got to spend the whole spring season with Amor. I've done 2-3 weeks but that's about it. However, right before Christmas break, she was asked to resign, which she did. We get back from Christmas break, and I'm talking with our teacher's aid. She tells me that she is worried that she might lose her job, if we replace the Math teacher because the school isn't making enough to make payroll. As I think about this, this doesn't seem right. I'm leaving in July, I can't work there next year, why fire the  person who can work there, especially when there is someone on staff, who can't work there next year. I talked with the principal, she told me no one would get fire, that they could make payroll if everyone paid. However, if someone wanted to leave and do other things, it would relieve some finical stress. So Iresign, so I could get fired

However there is more to story than that. That's the surface story and it's great. I had battle with spiritual cancer. The winters have been hard on me. Even before the school year started things were a struggle. There's this story about how everyone has 2 dogs that follow them. A black dog of depression and a white dog of happiness and joy. The dog that wins is the dog you feed. Now I'll admit, I wasn't feeding the black dog, but when my surroundings put down food for the black dog, I didn't chase it off, I didn't take the food away.  So even before school started this year the black dog wasn't weak and feeble and near death, he was starting to get his strength back. Then the mess with the new high school teacher happened. The black dog was getting more food. I admit I wasn't feeding it, but I also wasn't stopping it from eating. I know full well that I will probably always battle depression. I know what feeds it, I also know how to control it better know. I wasn't doing anything to counter act it. Even though God, and I have spent time putting me back together, and making the women he needs me to be for Him. Even though my identity is secure in Him, I know it's possible to return that broken Michelle. I also know that's not where I want to be. As I realized what happening, I need to do something. Things with James and I weren't going well either, we were both unhappy with the road I was traveling down. My not caring was having effect on him, and I wasn't happy with him. It wasn't that I was running away, it was that I needed to be somewhere, the black dog doesn't get fed. Somewhere the black dog is ignored. Somewhere, that I'm reminded who I am. That I am a child of the one True King.  I need to return to me. My spiritual and mental health need to be restored. The best place to do that, is the place where it all started.