I was asked what's wrong with me. Here is what was said to me. "You're boyfriend is miles away. You don't have a job, and your dad could die of cancer. You are so happy. What's wrong with you? Normal people wouldn't be happy."
So what is wrong with me. I would have to say that I think it's deeper then happy. Happy is surface feeling. Something that doesn't over take and can easily be washed away. I've got something deeper. I call it joy. Joy comes from your heart and goes down to the soul. I feel that it's ok to have joy because of what is going on around. I have joy because I know there is someone out there watching and taking care of things. It's fine to have joy in my heart even though the things around me are that great.
Sure my boyfriend is miles away. The best part about is that he is still mine, he still loves. Where is he doesn't change who he is. He still makes me laugh, smile and feel special. He is still amazing and wonderful. It's good for us to be apart, I see it as practice. Let's face facts, things are getting better over in the middle east and there will be a time when he is gone for a whole year. It will be my turn to sit by the phone wait for him. My life can't stop because we aren't together. Don't get me wrong. I miss him. I would love for it to be the day when we get to be together. That isn't happening now. I have a choice I can focus on the fact that we are apart or I can think about what is to come. Personally, I like to think about what will come when he isn't near.
This whole not having a job thing is ok. I'm applying. I've got my resume on three different websites. There isn't much more I can do. With all that's going on with my father it's probably good that I don't have job. My mom would stay home and take care of him. But that means she has to sit around and she doesn't do that well. She needs to be doing things. So she takes the important days off. The big deal days, and I'll take care of him on the rest. James also nicely pointed out the reason I don't have a job is because I'm not suppose to be here. I have somewhere better to go and not having a job is one less thing I'll have to deal with when it's time to leave. That door will open when it's time.
As for my father, sure he could die of cancer, but he isn't going to be it anytime soon. The last thing he needs is for us dwelling on how horrible this could be. He feels lucky and he is. He is sure that he can beat this and he can. I think heming and hawing poor dad isn't helping him any. It could be better. The surgery could have removed all the cancer instead of finding more. The great thing is that the surgery found where it started. He was told that he would have to radiation until Feb and see the dr once a month for the next two years. This isn't poor dad, this is thank God he was sent to a dr. that wants to make sure it's all gone and taken care off.
Life isn't this horrible awful thing that knocks you down. It isn't out there to abuse you. It's this great wonderful journey. Sure flat tire appear along the way, things need to be fixed and looked at. We have to watch and make sure we aren't low on oil, but that's all a part of it. Sometimes you make bad choices, you make wrong turns, but that's part of it. You learn more from failure than success and you should just keep moving forward. So the real question isn't what's wrong with me. I don't really think there is anything wrong with me because I look at life for what it is a gift that should be enjoyed to it's fullest. The question is what's wrong with you that you have to point out all the bad and hem and haw about how awful life is.
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